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Summer week 41

9 day overdue!!!!
Well i am physically and emotionaly drained now. On Monday i had a membrane sweep which has a 70% chance of starting off the labour. While doing this the midwife discovered that i was in fact 1 - 2cm dilated (i was finally in labour)!!. She could feel the babies head and everything. So it seemed to be a matter of waiting for the contractions to kick in... but it never happened. So Wednesday the midwife came over again and did another sweep. She had to give me the bad news and explain that i was still only 1 - 2cm dilated, which basically meant my labour had stopped (or paused).
So after the second sweep i waited for any sign of the labour progressing. I had severe backache for most of the day and then early afternoon i felt a contraction and 20 minutes later came another and yet another after about 20 minutes. Then just as i am getting my head around the idea of going into labour properly it stopped!!! The dissapointment was just so strong that i cried for most of the evening. My poor husband was very confused and had no idea how to console me. It is very hard to explain how playing this daily waiting game is torture. The sweep hurt like hell and left me with severe backache for the day (both times) and when it didn't work it felt like i put myself through that for absolutely nothing. Oh weirdly the midwife could feel the babies head even better the second time and could even tell me that either she has very fine hair or she has none at all.
I am booked in on monday to be induced. This just adds to my feelings of failure. I am just so cross that my body cannot do this simple thing on its own and that i have to have human intervention to get it started. It makes me feel like i have failed in some way. I know this sounds ridiculous as loads of people have to be induced but it doesn't stop me feeling the way i do. Perhaps its all these hormones too that are making things worse.
Its now Thursday and i have another 4 days until i go into hospital but i have given up on any hope that labour will start again on its own before then. So i am just preparing myself for Monday now instead of wondering every day if this is the day. I think its the only way i can cope with it now. The midwife did say that i could have another sweep on saturday if i want but i think i will give it a miss as it will only lead to dissapointment.
I have avoided going out and seeing anyone as the thought of having to talk about all of this is depressing. Hardly anyone talks to me about anything else at the moment which is hard as i could really do with some distraction. In some ways being at home during the day completely alone is the only salvation i get as noone talks to me about baby stuff. But that is only if i ignore my email and text messages which is hard to do as if you don't reply people assume you are in hospital.
Anyway whatever happens at least i know that this time next week i will definately have my baby.
So next week will be the gory one you have been waiting for where i will tell you all the details of the birth!!!
Speak next week from a very depressed mum to be
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