Virtual Friends

I was pondering if virtual/ social media friends are exceeding the number of actual friends I have?

To clarify, I love my circle of friends very much and this is in no way a reflection on them!
As I get older I have noticed my circle of immediate friends getting smaller (the ones that you would call or text if you had a bad day or are just looking for someone to go shopping with). I take full responsibility for this as my children take away the ability to drop everything and go out at short notice. If I get an invite anyway there is a process I have to follow before I can commit - is it child appropriate, do I need a babysitter, who have I not asked to babysit for a while and would be happy to help me out, could I get an all night babysitter or do I have to be back at a reasonable time to let them go home etc.

Thanks to social media I haven't lost touch completely with older friends which I like as I still feel involved in their lives, albeit in a lazy voyeuristic way!

Over the years I have gained various groups of friends which usually surround mine and my husbands jobs and life circumstances. On facebook I have childhood friends, school friends, Phones4U friends, Citi Finance friends, Clarity friends, Echo friends (13 years worth), other parent friends, my husbands school friends etc and with all of these come the extended friends - people I have met through those people. I even have social media friends who I have never even met in person. There are many more groups that I haven't even mentioned but you get the idea.

On facebook I have 267 friends and on twitter I have 190 followers, every one of which I have time for... virtually that is. I worry, though, that we run the risk of losing the personal touch.

We will always have those special friends that we try hard to make time for even if circumstances and life gets in the way but ask yourself how many friends have you seen in person in the last month?
Not counting work colleagues (inside work hours) my answer is a shocking two! This is where my pondering comes from. I hadn't even realised that until writing this blog because I 'like' people's statuses and send them comments and texts so it doesn't feel that way.

I still have a Christmas gift sat at home for one of my oldest and dearest friends because I just haven't been able to meet up with her. Again this is my fault not hers as I can't seem to find the time which is laughable really and I don't think makes me a great friend.

This all proves that I have completely succumbed to the lazy virtual friendships which I value but should not rely completely on. There will come a day when I need a hug which is something a social media friend cannot provide.

So as part of my year of 'DOING THINGS RATHER THAN JUST TALKING ABOUT THEM' I will be more proactive at visiting or calling friends more.

A few of us always talk about arranging an afternoon in a big park somewhere with loads of friends to play rounders, football etc, bring a picnic and generally reliving the days when meeting up on a summers afternoon and having fun outside was the norm. So this summer I will be setting up an open group on facebook and inviting all my virtual (local) friends to come along and bring their friends and families too. It may well be that no-one turns up but if you get the invite think about the amount of friends you have seen in person that month and ask yourself, could I make the time for meeting people and having fun?

I have some brilliant friends, past and present - see montage below but couldn't find group pics of everyone so don't be offended if you are missed (and don't be offended if you hate the picture). Every person I have known has been worth the time and given me things to tweet about!

Bucket list - Skydive

I will make this one a quickie...

Just to say that I have actually booked the skydive! My fingers trembled as I submitted the details and haven't stopped since. In other words I am bricking it!

This has been on my bucket list (things to do before I die) ever since I can remember and, with thanks to some like minded colleagues, I am actually doing something about it.

I am jumping with some other crazies colleagues including my Managing Director who has a strange urge to jump when standing on the edge of places, he hopes this will help cure him of this irrational feeling.

This is all taking place on the 30th June (just waiting for confirmation of the date). I won't include the location as I don't want all my fans rushing to watch.

The important part and the entire reason for doing this is to raise money for Shooting Star Chase which is a fantastic charity. They are a children's hospice service, supporting local families with a child or teenager not expected to reach their 19th birthday. Shooting Star CHASE currently helps over 500 families living in western London, Surrey and West Sussex.
If you would like to help support this amazing charity please feel free to sponsor me - http://www.doitforcharity.com/KHenden

I have a lot of sleepless nights ahead!



 

Happy Families

The weekend bought about the first bit of sunshine since before the winter. It is amazing how much it can change your state of mind. Wanting to make the most of this we decided to take the kids out to Alice Holt (a local Forrest trail). We took Summers newish bike as we thought it could be fun to try to teach her to ride without stabilisers.

Picture a typical 2.4 family, mum pushing baby in the pushchair smiling with pride as she shows off her wonderful family to the world, taking in the crisp fresh air and beautiful surroundings. Dad holding the back of the little girls bike seat running alongside her shouting encouragement. The little girl grinning with pride as her confidence slowly builds to the point where dad lets go and the girl peddles away unaware that dad has let go, she notices and starts shouting with joy that she is "doing it"!

Although this scene played in my head on the car journey to our destination it is a far cry from the reality.

The true image was that of baby Dexter crying due to the cold and me constantly trying to keep the fidgety child wrapped up warm and stopping every few minutes to pick up the, now not so white, blanket from the muddy wet ground. Daddy and Summer screaming at each other as he is "just not doing it right" and then massive tantrums when he rides off on her little pink bike as he has had enough. Summer, it seems, has absolutely no confidence on her bike and daddy has absolutely no patience to wait for the confidence to come so kept letting go resulting in summer screaming, crying and the bike turning over in the mud which caused more upset to my OCD clean child.

After no more than 20 minutes of this I made the decision this wasn't working and we should go to the on site park instead. Finally we had smiles all round as Summer walked along the wooden beams and climbed the pirate ship and Dexter went on the swings for the first time with huge giggles of excitement. This was more like it!
Topped off with dinner at a restaurant and it was a perfect day - well perfect for us anyway!

Weight wars

Dieting sucks!

It is really hard to stick to a healthy routine when you don't see the immediate effect. In August I am going on a beach holiday abroad for the first time in 5 years. For most this is something to be excited about for me this is filling me with dread. The thought of sitting on a beach in a swimsuit terrifies me as I lost my figure a long time ago and I don't want to subject people to seeing my giant arse making sandcastles with the kids.
So rather than get downhearted I started a healthy diet and have started frequenting the gym to try to rectify this situation.
Just to clarify I am not ON a diet or trying out the latest fads I am simply changing my eating habits and exchanging meals and snacks for healthy ones. I have even taken to having sweetener in my coffee rather than sugar. The biggest obstacle is trying to eat breakfast as I have never been able to eat so early in the day but apparently it is the best way to get your metabolism going so I am trying... had an apple this morning (not a great breakfast I admit but it is a start).

To understand why I see myself as massively overweight I need to take you back to my teenage years. I was a size 8 and on occasion would go up to a size 10 but never really went above this. I am only 5ft 2" so it was a good size for me (think Kylie as we are the same height). I have photographic proof (see below) I was also one of those really annoying people who could eat anything and not gain any weight. That said I have never been much of an eater anyway, I rarely get hungry and as a child would live on cucumber and crisps (not together obviously). Also my drink of choice has always been water, except now I am very partial to a coffee also.

I have traced my weight gain back to passing my driving test! I think this has a lot to do with it. I started driving when I was 20 and before that I would walk everywhere, now I just drive. To be honest this is not out of laziness it is more to do with limited time. Running around after the kids and working it is hard to squeeze everything in so adding an extra half hour for a journey that would take 5 minutes in the car is just not feasible most of the time.

Before I had Dexter I had finally found an exercise regime I really enjoyed. I was doing BodyFit Bootcamp with the brilliantly motivating Mark Raynsford. I did this 3 times a week and really started to feel the benefit. Exercising with a group of like minded people was great. If you started to flag the team would encourage you to continue and somehow I always found that extra strength because I didn't want to let the team down.
Mark also offered fantastic advice and posted mini sessions on his forum that you could do at home. I stopped when I fell pregnant with Dexter and went back shortly after having him but have now stopped due to cost and the lack of spare time. I would highly recommend it to anyone though www.bodyfitbootcamp.co.uk.

I have now joined the gym close to my work were I go for lunchtime sessions as often as I can. I have been doing this since beginning of January and alongside my healthy eating had hoped to start seeing some progress.
I am not big on using scales and would rather measure my weight by the dress size I wear or the belt hole I am on. But eager to see how much my hard work was paying off I got on the scales this week. At Christmas I was a size 16 and weighed 12st, which my doctor informed me meant I was obese, this week I am a dress size 16 and weigh 12st!!!
WTF!

This would lead me to think something I am doing is not right but I seriously could not be trying harder. A few weeks ago my family decided to have a Chinese takeaway but I held strong and made myself a tuna salad while I watched them gorge on the deliciously bad food. Last weekend we were shopping in town and they insisted on going to the food court. They ordered KFC and again I held strong and had a panini and a coffee (admittedly there were healthier options but I made the best of a bad situation and at least I didn't give in to the greasy chicken or the golden arches).

I will stick at this but my aim of being comfortable in a swimsuit by August are not looking good. I don't expect to go back to my teenage figure but I would at least like to choose my clothes based on what I like and not how well they hide the rolls around my midriff.

For now this is me (on the right) - pleasantly plump but still smiling

Dark cloud closes in

During my second pregnancy I wrote about my battle with, and subsequent diagnosis, of depression. During this time I stopped my medication and assured myself that I would reconsider the pills after I had my baby. When Dexter arrived I felt fine and strong enough to go it alone.

This tactic has worked up until recently.

Having a 5 year old who rebels against everything you say, an 11 month baby who just won't sleep, a husband desperately trying to give up smoking, a hectic, full time work schedule - throw into the mix money worries, family worries, going on an extreme diet, beginning a novel and seemingly untreatable psoriasis and you can start to understand why the downward spiral is happening again.

For me the key to all of this is to recognise when it is happening which isn't always easy until it has gone too far and the dark cloud has really set in.

Deflection is something I adopt when the pressure is on. Rather than admit that I am not in control of my mood swings I will go on the defensive and come up with a million reasons why I am loosing my temper with you. I am so convincing it scares me sometimes. Thankfully for me my husband can now recognise these signs and point the way.

This is one of those times.

The feelings are strange when it descends on me. In the series 'Dexter' he refers to his murderous feelings as his 'dark passenger', that works well here too although I don't have murderous thoughts (need to clarify that!). It is like there is someone always there by my side. On occasion it will be silent, taking it all in, storing everything in a filing system and other times will be screaming at me, antagonising a response, throwing those files everywhere in my brain, clouding my thoughts. This goes on for a few weeks, maybe months and then I either regain control or it explodes in tears. Often I have no reason for the tears other than it has gotten too much. The passenger then goes quiet for a time, could be weeks, months or even years but I know its still there and will reappear when things get tough.

Many people may read this and wonder why on earth I would share this. The simple answer is that I am not alone and that gives me great comfort and the courage to revisit my doctor if I need to. I no longer feel like a failure to give in to the medication and also know that I don't use the medication as a crutch. Most of the time I manage to regain control and don't need anything else other than good friends to listen and a husband to help take the burden.

People shouldn't suffer in silence and instead seek the help. It is such a relief and there are so many options on offer, aside from pills.

My life is so full and I should be looking at these problems as positives. I have a 5 year old daughter who is independent and spirited, an 11 month baby who I get to spend quality evening time with as I work full time, a husband who is trying to improve his health, a full-filling job that I am proud of added to that I have a home, food on the table and my children want for nothing, a loving extended family who feel they can count on me, loosing weight and improving my health, beginning a life's ambition of writing a novel and... well can't think of anything positive to say about the psoriasis (nothing a holiday in the sun won't help).

Today was a bad day but this blog became part of my therapy, helping me to understand that only I can fix me. Tomorrow is a new day and I aim to make it a happy one.

On that note I am off to the gym (another fantastic way of blowing off steam).

What a novel idea

Those that follow my social media pages will know that I have decided to write a novel.
This is a first step in my year of DOING things instead of just TALKING about them. Strangely I am finding this more terrifying than step two which is skydiving (coming to a blog near you in June).
Why a novel? I hear you ask, well this has been a little burning ambition of mine since school. English was my favourite class and Mr Clay, my English teacher, was my inspiration teacher (you know, that one teacher that you always remember fondly and really got into your head and affected you). I remember reading Shakespeare and Thomas Hardy - far from the madding crowd holds a special place in my heart - and just getting it. I disappeared into these books and just thought it was amazing how they could transport you into another world and how you end up having real feelings for these fictional characters.

When I left school I had ideals of becoming a journalist and use my love of writing, I even volunteered a youth column in our local newsletter, but life got in the way and things didn't work out how I wanted. It is blogging that has reignited my passion for writing. This paired with the need for a hobby brought about the idea for a novel.
It will be a thriller and is very loosely based on real events that have touched my life. I say loosely as the events will be placed into different context with different characters. These characters will have aspects of people I know too as I was always told 'you should write what you know'.
My husband keeps asking if I have started yet but I don't think a lot of people understand what goes into the preparations. I have outlined a storyline but soon realised it needs a lot of tweaking to make it work. I am researching the subject matter at the moment and will move onto the character development next. Although it is based on events that have happened to me I need to have a full and clear understanding of the opposing side and really get into the heads of the varying characters and work out what motivates and drives them. Without this they will be unbelievable and this is a big problem with some of the books I have read recently which seem to have skipped this process and the result is that you feel nothing for these faceless characters and therefore have no buy-in to the story.

Anyway, I have begun and even it if takes me three years I will complete it. In the meantime this picture just about sums up my thoughts:

Re-branded - the husband history

Don’t you just hate it when you start to follow a blog and then they just stop posting...? Me too!

I enjoy a good blog but it has been difficult to get back into as I hit a massive stumbling block. The focus of my site was pregnancy and the fact that I am no longer pregnant means I needed to find a new direction/ focus.

So I will be reporting on the shenanigans of my long suffering husband and 5, going on 15, year old daughter who cracks me up daily with her wise words and mood swings (think Kevin and Perry in a miniature body!). Not wanting to miss anyone out I may even throw in a few cute stories about my 10 month old son because everyone loves a good projectile vomiting story :)

So in today's first, re-branded, installment I thought I should give some background on the husband.

Phil and I met at school and much like Romeo and Juliette we were destined to be apart, divided by social differences and misguided loyalties (we went to opposing schools!). My school (Kings Manor) and Phil's (St Peter's) were arch enemies that met on occasion for, very cleverly coordinated, battles on the playing fields. My best friend at the time went to the enemy school and mentioned a boy I must see who has the most stunning electric blue eyes. It just so happened we were very good stalkers and worked out where his best mate lived and hung out so we would make sure we were there at the right time. My friend had not exaggerated and I had decided there and then that I wanted to marry this boy... or his cute mate (we will come back to him later).

me - bottom left, Phil - bottom right (not an actual school picture, my school wasn't that rough)

Time passed and we grew up. I never dated him or even said more than two words to him and eventually didn't see him hanging about anymore until about 4 years later, on a chance encounter on a night out. I caught his eye and to my utter surprise he marched straight towards me and struck up our first ever proper conversation. To my delight we got on really well and actually had a lot in common. He told me how much he had always fancied me but was too shy to ask me out. With the alcohol fueled confidence he asked me for a date but as fate would have it I had a boyfriend and had to turn him down. I was gutted! My boyfriend was travelling in Australia at the time and little did I know he was on his way home to dump me :( but always the loyal girlfriend I would not cheat no matter how much will power it took.

I bumped into Phil again a week later in Guildford High street on a Saturday night. I was on my way to Cinderella’s nightclub with my cousin when he stopped me. He explained it was his mate’s birthday but had lost him. He suspected his mates had got a cab back home to carry on the birthday celebrations and as I lived a stone’s throw from his friend's house did I want to share a cab. By this point my cousin had carried on without me and was not even in sight anymore so I said what the hell. Phil invited me to his mates for a few more drinks. He was right and his mates were there, very surprised to see me though. As I walked in I wished his mate a happy birthday, he thanked me and pointed out his birthday was 6 months ago! I glared at Phil who simply said "I had to get you here somehow". I later discovered his nickname was bullshit Phil as he would live by the code "why tell the truth if a lie was more interesting and could get you a laugh."

We were inseparable after that night and I knew this was it. At 18, I had not even considered settling down but that one night changed everything and I started to imagine a mortgage, pets, children etc.

A month later I went on a girl’s holiday to Ayia Napa (already booked it before we met). I was a good girl and made sure I contacted him over the two week break. On my return I was greeted with a huge green emerald ring and a very unconvincing engagement proposal. Clearly I turned him down but on the understanding that we would do it one day just not after a month of dating and at 18 years of age when my parents would actually kill me or just assume I was pregnant. It also gave me the opportunity to suggest that I pick the ring next time!!!!

Phil was visibly relieved and explained he had gone into panic mode and thought he needed to make a big gesture to keep me. He forced me to go with him to return the ring - an incredibly awkward moment for the shop assistant!

Phil is one of the sweetest and funniest men I have ever dated. We were engaged 3 years later and had a daughter 7 years on. We have been together for almost 13 years now and are still as happy as we were back then. We have had our ups and downs like all marriages but always had the strength to pull through it and I put it down to genetics. You see we work in a very role reversal way - I have control of the remote and can be emotionally stunted. Phil on the other hand is always considerate of me, cleans the house and does the school runs. I am not sure of many men who would put up with me as I am one of the lads and I like a pint, I am not a girly girl and never have been. I just go against all the stereotypes. Saying that, I don't know many women who can laugh off his bullshitting which he is better at nowadays and reading this back I realise it makes him sound awful but the truth is he lies about the silly inconsequential stuff which is why it is funny (if he had to walk a mile he would tell you he walked 20 miles - that sort of thing), he actually can't help it. He also has no brain to mouth filter so will tell you exactly what is on his mind, I love this about him as you always know where you stand, we call these thoughts philisms and they always keep me entertained.

So the moral of this story is that stalking pays off and if you set your mind to marrying someone when you are 14 it can happen. Oh and his cute mate is now married to my friend (although not the one who introduced us) and is a huge part of our lives too.

Welcome back to my blog.