Bucket list - Skydive

I will make this one a quickie...

Just to say that I have actually booked the skydive! My fingers trembled as I submitted the details and haven't stopped since. In other words I am bricking it!

This has been on my bucket list (things to do before I die) ever since I can remember and, with thanks to some like minded colleagues, I am actually doing something about it.

I am jumping with some other crazies colleagues including my Managing Director who has a strange urge to jump when standing on the edge of places, he hopes this will help cure him of this irrational feeling.

This is all taking place on the 30th June (just waiting for confirmation of the date). I won't include the location as I don't want all my fans rushing to watch.

The important part and the entire reason for doing this is to raise money for Shooting Star Chase which is a fantastic charity. They are a children's hospice service, supporting local families with a child or teenager not expected to reach their 19th birthday. Shooting Star CHASE currently helps over 500 families living in western London, Surrey and West Sussex.
If you would like to help support this amazing charity please feel free to sponsor me - http://www.doitforcharity.com/KHenden

I have a lot of sleepless nights ahead!



 

Happy Families

The weekend bought about the first bit of sunshine since before the winter. It is amazing how much it can change your state of mind. Wanting to make the most of this we decided to take the kids out to Alice Holt (a local Forrest trail). We took Summers newish bike as we thought it could be fun to try to teach her to ride without stabilisers.

Picture a typical 2.4 family, mum pushing baby in the pushchair smiling with pride as she shows off her wonderful family to the world, taking in the crisp fresh air and beautiful surroundings. Dad holding the back of the little girls bike seat running alongside her shouting encouragement. The little girl grinning with pride as her confidence slowly builds to the point where dad lets go and the girl peddles away unaware that dad has let go, she notices and starts shouting with joy that she is "doing it"!

Although this scene played in my head on the car journey to our destination it is a far cry from the reality.

The true image was that of baby Dexter crying due to the cold and me constantly trying to keep the fidgety child wrapped up warm and stopping every few minutes to pick up the, now not so white, blanket from the muddy wet ground. Daddy and Summer screaming at each other as he is "just not doing it right" and then massive tantrums when he rides off on her little pink bike as he has had enough. Summer, it seems, has absolutely no confidence on her bike and daddy has absolutely no patience to wait for the confidence to come so kept letting go resulting in summer screaming, crying and the bike turning over in the mud which caused more upset to my OCD clean child.

After no more than 20 minutes of this I made the decision this wasn't working and we should go to the on site park instead. Finally we had smiles all round as Summer walked along the wooden beams and climbed the pirate ship and Dexter went on the swings for the first time with huge giggles of excitement. This was more like it!
Topped off with dinner at a restaurant and it was a perfect day - well perfect for us anyway!

Weight wars

Dieting sucks!

It is really hard to stick to a healthy routine when you don't see the immediate effect. In August I am going on a beach holiday abroad for the first time in 5 years. For most this is something to be excited about for me this is filling me with dread. The thought of sitting on a beach in a swimsuit terrifies me as I lost my figure a long time ago and I don't want to subject people to seeing my giant arse making sandcastles with the kids.
So rather than get downhearted I started a healthy diet and have started frequenting the gym to try to rectify this situation.
Just to clarify I am not ON a diet or trying out the latest fads I am simply changing my eating habits and exchanging meals and snacks for healthy ones. I have even taken to having sweetener in my coffee rather than sugar. The biggest obstacle is trying to eat breakfast as I have never been able to eat so early in the day but apparently it is the best way to get your metabolism going so I am trying... had an apple this morning (not a great breakfast I admit but it is a start).

To understand why I see myself as massively overweight I need to take you back to my teenage years. I was a size 8 and on occasion would go up to a size 10 but never really went above this. I am only 5ft 2" so it was a good size for me (think Kylie as we are the same height). I have photographic proof (see below) I was also one of those really annoying people who could eat anything and not gain any weight. That said I have never been much of an eater anyway, I rarely get hungry and as a child would live on cucumber and crisps (not together obviously). Also my drink of choice has always been water, except now I am very partial to a coffee also.

I have traced my weight gain back to passing my driving test! I think this has a lot to do with it. I started driving when I was 20 and before that I would walk everywhere, now I just drive. To be honest this is not out of laziness it is more to do with limited time. Running around after the kids and working it is hard to squeeze everything in so adding an extra half hour for a journey that would take 5 minutes in the car is just not feasible most of the time.

Before I had Dexter I had finally found an exercise regime I really enjoyed. I was doing BodyFit Bootcamp with the brilliantly motivating Mark Raynsford. I did this 3 times a week and really started to feel the benefit. Exercising with a group of like minded people was great. If you started to flag the team would encourage you to continue and somehow I always found that extra strength because I didn't want to let the team down.
Mark also offered fantastic advice and posted mini sessions on his forum that you could do at home. I stopped when I fell pregnant with Dexter and went back shortly after having him but have now stopped due to cost and the lack of spare time. I would highly recommend it to anyone though www.bodyfitbootcamp.co.uk.

I have now joined the gym close to my work were I go for lunchtime sessions as often as I can. I have been doing this since beginning of January and alongside my healthy eating had hoped to start seeing some progress.
I am not big on using scales and would rather measure my weight by the dress size I wear or the belt hole I am on. But eager to see how much my hard work was paying off I got on the scales this week. At Christmas I was a size 16 and weighed 12st, which my doctor informed me meant I was obese, this week I am a dress size 16 and weigh 12st!!!
WTF!

This would lead me to think something I am doing is not right but I seriously could not be trying harder. A few weeks ago my family decided to have a Chinese takeaway but I held strong and made myself a tuna salad while I watched them gorge on the deliciously bad food. Last weekend we were shopping in town and they insisted on going to the food court. They ordered KFC and again I held strong and had a panini and a coffee (admittedly there were healthier options but I made the best of a bad situation and at least I didn't give in to the greasy chicken or the golden arches).

I will stick at this but my aim of being comfortable in a swimsuit by August are not looking good. I don't expect to go back to my teenage figure but I would at least like to choose my clothes based on what I like and not how well they hide the rolls around my midriff.

For now this is me (on the right) - pleasantly plump but still smiling

Dark cloud closes in

During my second pregnancy I wrote about my battle with, and subsequent diagnosis, of depression. During this time I stopped my medication and assured myself that I would reconsider the pills after I had my baby. When Dexter arrived I felt fine and strong enough to go it alone.

This tactic has worked up until recently.

Having a 5 year old who rebels against everything you say, an 11 month baby who just won't sleep, a husband desperately trying to give up smoking, a hectic, full time work schedule - throw into the mix money worries, family worries, going on an extreme diet, beginning a novel and seemingly untreatable psoriasis and you can start to understand why the downward spiral is happening again.

For me the key to all of this is to recognise when it is happening which isn't always easy until it has gone too far and the dark cloud has really set in.

Deflection is something I adopt when the pressure is on. Rather than admit that I am not in control of my mood swings I will go on the defensive and come up with a million reasons why I am loosing my temper with you. I am so convincing it scares me sometimes. Thankfully for me my husband can now recognise these signs and point the way.

This is one of those times.

The feelings are strange when it descends on me. In the series 'Dexter' he refers to his murderous feelings as his 'dark passenger', that works well here too although I don't have murderous thoughts (need to clarify that!). It is like there is someone always there by my side. On occasion it will be silent, taking it all in, storing everything in a filing system and other times will be screaming at me, antagonising a response, throwing those files everywhere in my brain, clouding my thoughts. This goes on for a few weeks, maybe months and then I either regain control or it explodes in tears. Often I have no reason for the tears other than it has gotten too much. The passenger then goes quiet for a time, could be weeks, months or even years but I know its still there and will reappear when things get tough.

Many people may read this and wonder why on earth I would share this. The simple answer is that I am not alone and that gives me great comfort and the courage to revisit my doctor if I need to. I no longer feel like a failure to give in to the medication and also know that I don't use the medication as a crutch. Most of the time I manage to regain control and don't need anything else other than good friends to listen and a husband to help take the burden.

People shouldn't suffer in silence and instead seek the help. It is such a relief and there are so many options on offer, aside from pills.

My life is so full and I should be looking at these problems as positives. I have a 5 year old daughter who is independent and spirited, an 11 month baby who I get to spend quality evening time with as I work full time, a husband who is trying to improve his health, a full-filling job that I am proud of added to that I have a home, food on the table and my children want for nothing, a loving extended family who feel they can count on me, loosing weight and improving my health, beginning a life's ambition of writing a novel and... well can't think of anything positive to say about the psoriasis (nothing a holiday in the sun won't help).

Today was a bad day but this blog became part of my therapy, helping me to understand that only I can fix me. Tomorrow is a new day and I aim to make it a happy one.

On that note I am off to the gym (another fantastic way of blowing off steam).