Weight wars

Dieting sucks!

It is really hard to stick to a healthy routine when you don't see the immediate effect. In August I am going on a beach holiday abroad for the first time in 5 years. For most this is something to be excited about for me this is filling me with dread. The thought of sitting on a beach in a swimsuit terrifies me as I lost my figure a long time ago and I don't want to subject people to seeing my giant arse making sandcastles with the kids.
So rather than get downhearted I started a healthy diet and have started frequenting the gym to try to rectify this situation.
Just to clarify I am not ON a diet or trying out the latest fads I am simply changing my eating habits and exchanging meals and snacks for healthy ones. I have even taken to having sweetener in my coffee rather than sugar. The biggest obstacle is trying to eat breakfast as I have never been able to eat so early in the day but apparently it is the best way to get your metabolism going so I am trying... had an apple this morning (not a great breakfast I admit but it is a start).

To understand why I see myself as massively overweight I need to take you back to my teenage years. I was a size 8 and on occasion would go up to a size 10 but never really went above this. I am only 5ft 2" so it was a good size for me (think Kylie as we are the same height). I have photographic proof (see below) I was also one of those really annoying people who could eat anything and not gain any weight. That said I have never been much of an eater anyway, I rarely get hungry and as a child would live on cucumber and crisps (not together obviously). Also my drink of choice has always been water, except now I am very partial to a coffee also.

I have traced my weight gain back to passing my driving test! I think this has a lot to do with it. I started driving when I was 20 and before that I would walk everywhere, now I just drive. To be honest this is not out of laziness it is more to do with limited time. Running around after the kids and working it is hard to squeeze everything in so adding an extra half hour for a journey that would take 5 minutes in the car is just not feasible most of the time.

Before I had Dexter I had finally found an exercise regime I really enjoyed. I was doing BodyFit Bootcamp with the brilliantly motivating Mark Raynsford. I did this 3 times a week and really started to feel the benefit. Exercising with a group of like minded people was great. If you started to flag the team would encourage you to continue and somehow I always found that extra strength because I didn't want to let the team down.
Mark also offered fantastic advice and posted mini sessions on his forum that you could do at home. I stopped when I fell pregnant with Dexter and went back shortly after having him but have now stopped due to cost and the lack of spare time. I would highly recommend it to anyone though www.bodyfitbootcamp.co.uk.

I have now joined the gym close to my work were I go for lunchtime sessions as often as I can. I have been doing this since beginning of January and alongside my healthy eating had hoped to start seeing some progress.
I am not big on using scales and would rather measure my weight by the dress size I wear or the belt hole I am on. But eager to see how much my hard work was paying off I got on the scales this week. At Christmas I was a size 16 and weighed 12st, which my doctor informed me meant I was obese, this week I am a dress size 16 and weigh 12st!!!
WTF!

This would lead me to think something I am doing is not right but I seriously could not be trying harder. A few weeks ago my family decided to have a Chinese takeaway but I held strong and made myself a tuna salad while I watched them gorge on the deliciously bad food. Last weekend we were shopping in town and they insisted on going to the food court. They ordered KFC and again I held strong and had a panini and a coffee (admittedly there were healthier options but I made the best of a bad situation and at least I didn't give in to the greasy chicken or the golden arches).

I will stick at this but my aim of being comfortable in a swimsuit by August are not looking good. I don't expect to go back to my teenage figure but I would at least like to choose my clothes based on what I like and not how well they hide the rolls around my midriff.

For now this is me (on the right) - pleasantly plump but still smiling

Dark cloud closes in

During my second pregnancy I wrote about my battle with, and subsequent diagnosis, of depression. During this time I stopped my medication and assured myself that I would reconsider the pills after I had my baby. When Dexter arrived I felt fine and strong enough to go it alone.

This tactic has worked up until recently.

Having a 5 year old who rebels against everything you say, an 11 month baby who just won't sleep, a husband desperately trying to give up smoking, a hectic, full time work schedule - throw into the mix money worries, family worries, going on an extreme diet, beginning a novel and seemingly untreatable psoriasis and you can start to understand why the downward spiral is happening again.

For me the key to all of this is to recognise when it is happening which isn't always easy until it has gone too far and the dark cloud has really set in.

Deflection is something I adopt when the pressure is on. Rather than admit that I am not in control of my mood swings I will go on the defensive and come up with a million reasons why I am loosing my temper with you. I am so convincing it scares me sometimes. Thankfully for me my husband can now recognise these signs and point the way.

This is one of those times.

The feelings are strange when it descends on me. In the series 'Dexter' he refers to his murderous feelings as his 'dark passenger', that works well here too although I don't have murderous thoughts (need to clarify that!). It is like there is someone always there by my side. On occasion it will be silent, taking it all in, storing everything in a filing system and other times will be screaming at me, antagonising a response, throwing those files everywhere in my brain, clouding my thoughts. This goes on for a few weeks, maybe months and then I either regain control or it explodes in tears. Often I have no reason for the tears other than it has gotten too much. The passenger then goes quiet for a time, could be weeks, months or even years but I know its still there and will reappear when things get tough.

Many people may read this and wonder why on earth I would share this. The simple answer is that I am not alone and that gives me great comfort and the courage to revisit my doctor if I need to. I no longer feel like a failure to give in to the medication and also know that I don't use the medication as a crutch. Most of the time I manage to regain control and don't need anything else other than good friends to listen and a husband to help take the burden.

People shouldn't suffer in silence and instead seek the help. It is such a relief and there are so many options on offer, aside from pills.

My life is so full and I should be looking at these problems as positives. I have a 5 year old daughter who is independent and spirited, an 11 month baby who I get to spend quality evening time with as I work full time, a husband who is trying to improve his health, a full-filling job that I am proud of added to that I have a home, food on the table and my children want for nothing, a loving extended family who feel they can count on me, loosing weight and improving my health, beginning a life's ambition of writing a novel and... well can't think of anything positive to say about the psoriasis (nothing a holiday in the sun won't help).

Today was a bad day but this blog became part of my therapy, helping me to understand that only I can fix me. Tomorrow is a new day and I aim to make it a happy one.

On that note I am off to the gym (another fantastic way of blowing off steam).

What a novel idea

Those that follow my social media pages will know that I have decided to write a novel.
This is a first step in my year of DOING things instead of just TALKING about them. Strangely I am finding this more terrifying than step two which is skydiving (coming to a blog near you in June).
Why a novel? I hear you ask, well this has been a little burning ambition of mine since school. English was my favourite class and Mr Clay, my English teacher, was my inspiration teacher (you know, that one teacher that you always remember fondly and really got into your head and affected you). I remember reading Shakespeare and Thomas Hardy - far from the madding crowd holds a special place in my heart - and just getting it. I disappeared into these books and just thought it was amazing how they could transport you into another world and how you end up having real feelings for these fictional characters.

When I left school I had ideals of becoming a journalist and use my love of writing, I even volunteered a youth column in our local newsletter, but life got in the way and things didn't work out how I wanted. It is blogging that has reignited my passion for writing. This paired with the need for a hobby brought about the idea for a novel.
It will be a thriller and is very loosely based on real events that have touched my life. I say loosely as the events will be placed into different context with different characters. These characters will have aspects of people I know too as I was always told 'you should write what you know'.
My husband keeps asking if I have started yet but I don't think a lot of people understand what goes into the preparations. I have outlined a storyline but soon realised it needs a lot of tweaking to make it work. I am researching the subject matter at the moment and will move onto the character development next. Although it is based on events that have happened to me I need to have a full and clear understanding of the opposing side and really get into the heads of the varying characters and work out what motivates and drives them. Without this they will be unbelievable and this is a big problem with some of the books I have read recently which seem to have skipped this process and the result is that you feel nothing for these faceless characters and therefore have no buy-in to the story.

Anyway, I have begun and even it if takes me three years I will complete it. In the meantime this picture just about sums up my thoughts:

Re-branded - the husband history

Don’t you just hate it when you start to follow a blog and then they just stop posting...? Me too!

I enjoy a good blog but it has been difficult to get back into as I hit a massive stumbling block. The focus of my site was pregnancy and the fact that I am no longer pregnant means I needed to find a new direction/ focus.

So I will be reporting on the shenanigans of my long suffering husband and 5, going on 15, year old daughter who cracks me up daily with her wise words and mood swings (think Kevin and Perry in a miniature body!). Not wanting to miss anyone out I may even throw in a few cute stories about my 10 month old son because everyone loves a good projectile vomiting story :)

So in today's first, re-branded, installment I thought I should give some background on the husband.

Phil and I met at school and much like Romeo and Juliette we were destined to be apart, divided by social differences and misguided loyalties (we went to opposing schools!). My school (Kings Manor) and Phil's (St Peter's) were arch enemies that met on occasion for, very cleverly coordinated, battles on the playing fields. My best friend at the time went to the enemy school and mentioned a boy I must see who has the most stunning electric blue eyes. It just so happened we were very good stalkers and worked out where his best mate lived and hung out so we would make sure we were there at the right time. My friend had not exaggerated and I had decided there and then that I wanted to marry this boy... or his cute mate (we will come back to him later).

me - bottom left, Phil - bottom right (not an actual school picture, my school wasn't that rough)

Time passed and we grew up. I never dated him or even said more than two words to him and eventually didn't see him hanging about anymore until about 4 years later, on a chance encounter on a night out. I caught his eye and to my utter surprise he marched straight towards me and struck up our first ever proper conversation. To my delight we got on really well and actually had a lot in common. He told me how much he had always fancied me but was too shy to ask me out. With the alcohol fueled confidence he asked me for a date but as fate would have it I had a boyfriend and had to turn him down. I was gutted! My boyfriend was travelling in Australia at the time and little did I know he was on his way home to dump me :( but always the loyal girlfriend I would not cheat no matter how much will power it took.

I bumped into Phil again a week later in Guildford High street on a Saturday night. I was on my way to Cinderella’s nightclub with my cousin when he stopped me. He explained it was his mate’s birthday but had lost him. He suspected his mates had got a cab back home to carry on the birthday celebrations and as I lived a stone’s throw from his friend's house did I want to share a cab. By this point my cousin had carried on without me and was not even in sight anymore so I said what the hell. Phil invited me to his mates for a few more drinks. He was right and his mates were there, very surprised to see me though. As I walked in I wished his mate a happy birthday, he thanked me and pointed out his birthday was 6 months ago! I glared at Phil who simply said "I had to get you here somehow". I later discovered his nickname was bullshit Phil as he would live by the code "why tell the truth if a lie was more interesting and could get you a laugh."

We were inseparable after that night and I knew this was it. At 18, I had not even considered settling down but that one night changed everything and I started to imagine a mortgage, pets, children etc.

A month later I went on a girl’s holiday to Ayia Napa (already booked it before we met). I was a good girl and made sure I contacted him over the two week break. On my return I was greeted with a huge green emerald ring and a very unconvincing engagement proposal. Clearly I turned him down but on the understanding that we would do it one day just not after a month of dating and at 18 years of age when my parents would actually kill me or just assume I was pregnant. It also gave me the opportunity to suggest that I pick the ring next time!!!!

Phil was visibly relieved and explained he had gone into panic mode and thought he needed to make a big gesture to keep me. He forced me to go with him to return the ring - an incredibly awkward moment for the shop assistant!

Phil is one of the sweetest and funniest men I have ever dated. We were engaged 3 years later and had a daughter 7 years on. We have been together for almost 13 years now and are still as happy as we were back then. We have had our ups and downs like all marriages but always had the strength to pull through it and I put it down to genetics. You see we work in a very role reversal way - I have control of the remote and can be emotionally stunted. Phil on the other hand is always considerate of me, cleans the house and does the school runs. I am not sure of many men who would put up with me as I am one of the lads and I like a pint, I am not a girly girl and never have been. I just go against all the stereotypes. Saying that, I don't know many women who can laugh off his bullshitting which he is better at nowadays and reading this back I realise it makes him sound awful but the truth is he lies about the silly inconsequential stuff which is why it is funny (if he had to walk a mile he would tell you he walked 20 miles - that sort of thing), he actually can't help it. He also has no brain to mouth filter so will tell you exactly what is on his mind, I love this about him as you always know where you stand, we call these thoughts philisms and they always keep me entertained.

So the moral of this story is that stalking pays off and if you set your mind to marrying someone when you are 14 it can happen. Oh and his cute mate is now married to my friend (although not the one who introduced us) and is a huge part of our lives too.

Welcome back to my blog.

50 shades of "vanilla"

So it first came to my attention a while ago when Holly Willoughby was talking about it on twitter, then more people started mentioning it. This moved to facebook and suddenly most of my friends were reading this mysterious book. The only thing I knew about it was that it had been dubbed as "mummy porn" and it had my full attention so I had to read it and see what all the fuss was about. I finished the first in the 50 shades trilogy last night and have quite a few irritations about it so the best way to vent is to blog! Here is my full and frank review. WARNING this blog does contain spoilers!

In my job one of the key roles I have is to edit written reports. My main annoyance is repetition and I believe if you are writing anything the thesaurus should become your best friend. Mix up the language to avoid predictability. This book is a master class in how NOT to do it. Words and even whole sentences are completely overused especially in the supposedly erotic parts. Surely if you are writing a sexually charged book you could at least come up with different phrases for describing an orgasm. He always "finds his release" and she always "explodes all around him". I ended up filling with rage everytime I read "holy crap" or "she bit her lip" to name just a few overuses.

Moving on to the sex... well as used in the book, in my opinion, it was "vanilla". When I realised it was about s&m and dom/sub relations I did worry that it would be a bit much for me as this really isn't my thing. I needn't have worried as other than different scenarios and positions on the whole the sex description was the same everytime. Chapter 8, where the sex begins, was fine but in all honestly I thought it was a tepid start to the sex scenes but they would get more intense and sexy but they platoed at the same level throughout and just became so predictable.

I think one of the things that demanded my interest was the dom/sub thing. It interested me only because it does nothing for me and I was fascinated in what actually goes on and why/how people get into this in the first place. This was not something that was explained in this book which was a bit of a let down. There are two other books which I have not read yet and I pray this is explained in the next. This has held my interest long enough that I am very eager to start on the next book.

With all the negatives above you will be surprised to know that I actually couldn't put the book down or stop thinking about it... but why?
Simply put it was Christian Grey that demanded my attention. He intrigued me from his first appearance and held up my interest and excitement to the end. I really fell for him!
I did question why I had fallen for this messed up fictional character and I realised it is because the way he fell for Ana and tried so hard to change for her was the kind of devotion most women can only dream of. He begins as this confident, unflinching man who gets everything he wants/ demands. His intimidating demeaner is overpowering and disarming and his control freak side is to the extreme. Later in the book he has fallen so hard for Ana that he really does soften and tries to give her "more". The fact that he would be willing to change/ compromise on the only lifestyle he has ever known and enjoyed is a fantasy it seems. Even with his cold and distant demeanour he is such a loveable character and although he never says it it is clear he falls in love with Ana. As I read I wished I was her.

I am desperate to know about his past as a child and also the Mrs Robinson years. How did this relationship begin? how was he trained? was she lenient on him?
I almost wish for a prequel to this book to be written. This is the stuff that I find fascinating and to be honest I don't really even care much for the Anastasia character or their relationship whatever that was.

I actually didn't even mind the storyline of the book but it is a shame it was so badly written. To sum up I think this book was completely over-hyped and is another social media led hype. This looks set to continue as a film studio has bought the film rights. I also read that Ian Somerhalder (Boon in Lost and Damon in the Vampire Diaries) is interested in playing the Grey role. As an actor I have admired for a while now (for his looks more than his capacity to act) I would definitely be heading to the cinema to see that!

I would be keen to hear your thoughts on the book as my facebook is filled with people that absolutely loved this first instalment. I just don't get it and rate it as "alright".

Maternity leave 3 months on

It has been a while since my last post so when I found myself with a (rare) childfree house My first priority was to update my blog.

Dexter is now 3 months old and I still cannot believe how quickly it has flown by (I know everyone says that but it's true).
Mothering a baby the second time around has been so easy. The first time I remember feeling quite lost and questioning everything I was doing, convinced it was all wrong. This time, however, my experience has given me the confidence that I so envied in other mums/ friends with children. Dexter has helped in his own way as he is such an easy baby. I know there may be some mums reading this thinking "thanks for rubbing it in" but believe me my first child was an easy baby but I paid for it in spades when she hit the terrible two's (which is a phase she is still in at almost 5). He started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks and this is just getting better each week. We currently put him to bed at 10pm and he sleeps through until 5am, goes back to sleep, has a quick feed at 9am and then sleeps all the way through to mid day. He then stays away most of the afternoon and just laughs and smiles. He only cries when he is hungry but even then I am yet to see real tears and hear a proper cry.
Actually I heard him cry hard last week as we startled him with our loud yelling at each of the three goals England scored against Sweden in the Euros.
I put most of his great behaviour down to our laid back approach (apparently they pick up on the vibes you send out) and his size. He is huge!!! At eight weeks old I took him to get weighed and the health visitor looked at him and asked if he was 21 weeks old! This is a running theme and at 3 months old he is the same size as a six month old (We have actually compared). I have been told that he is going to be very tall and is following the outer percentile on the growth chart. At 5ft 2in and his father not much taller most people would wonder how on earth that happened but my brother is a good 6.5ft so there must be genes in the family somewhere.
Anyway, I was told that bigger babies are much more contented babies and I would definitely agree with this theory. So if you are pregnant and have been told that your baby is on the bigger side look at it as a positive thing.

I think the great sleeping pattern has occurred due to the fact that we put him in a cot and his own room at 2 months which I could not recommend more. That said I can understand how some parents are nervous to let a baby sleep out of their sight but believe me you both sleep so much better.

Maternity leave has felt pressurised. Stay with me on this. If I waste a day doing nothing but watching TV it puts me on a downer and I constantly have a sinking feeling that I have wasted a day. So I am constantly looking for things to do. At first this was fine as my house really could use an all over deep clean so I would take a room a day and get on with it. The only problem is that now I seem to have become a clean freak and get annoyed if people come in and make it a mess which is not good with a 5 year old. I am continuously cleaning which I then started to feel was wasting the day too so I started making plans for at least two outings a week. This was fine at first but now I am on maternity pay I can't afford to do the things I was doing and I am not a fan of walking for no reason so I struggle to find things to do. I probably spend more time trying to think up things to do than actually doing them.
I need a hobby...

I did take both kids swimming a few weeks ago which was great fun and Dexter absolutely loves the water so had a whale of a time and he even fell asleep in the pool. People kept telling me I was brave for bringing a baby so young swimming which made me wonder if I should not have taken him... I get paranoid sometimes.
As the school holiday approaches I am sure I will fill my days easily as my mum will be off work and hopefully some of my other mum friends will be taking time off so I will have plenty of people to see.

My health and fitness has now become a huge priority for me. I started back at bootcamp a couple of weeks ago which I absolutely love and to make it better, a year on, the people attending are the same as before. I currently do this once a week for now and plan to up it to three times a week when I go back to work and can afford it.
Due to the diabetes I had in pregnancy I lost a lot of weight at the end of my pregnancy. The picture below was taken two weeks after the birth and it is an unusually good picture of me. However, since then I started snacking and putting the weight back on again.

Over the last week I downloaded an app on my phone which takes into account your current weight, height, age etc and based on how much you want to weigh calculates your daily calorie allowance. You then enter all the food, drink and snacks you consume through the day which links to the nutritional contents of each and at the end of the day you get an analysis on your consumption that day (reduce trans fats to ... etc). Its great and takes into account any exercise you do and keeps track of the water you consume.
I don't think of it as counting calories as I don't agree with 'dieting' on the whole. It is simply helping me to understand the nutritional value of the things I am eating, keeping a check on my portion sizes and generally makes me think twice when I fancy a snack. It only works if you are honest but it is helping me rethink my diet.

My overall goal is to look and feel fantastic when I return to work in September but it will also form part of my permanent lifestyle change. One day I would like to think I will be in good enough shape to even complete a marathon. Its good to have goals and this one is quite long term but very achievable.

Hopefully my next post wont take as long to complete. I am taking Dexter on his first holiday next month so will be posting how that went.

See ya
xxxx

Dexter is now 3.5 weeks - where did the time go?

Dexter is now 3.5 weeks old and getting bigger by the day.
Today was a good day as Dexter had his scan this morning to see if the hole in his back goes through to his spine. The results were very good and it does not go through to his spine and everything looks normal. Apparently it may close up over time too. He will have another scan in about 3 months just to check there is no change.

I am spending most of my maternity leave feeling very guilty. As I am getting up every two hours in the night I know I should catch up on my sleep during the day when Dexter sleeps but when he does go for a long sleep in the day I end up using my time cleaning or cooking. This is mainly as I feel as I am at home and my husband is having to provide for me the least I could do is provide him with a spotless house and dinner on the table. In the process I am exhausted. Perhaps I should review this thought process and focus on myself instead.

Life with Dexter is amazing. He is such a timewaster and I could watch him all day. It is all so much easier than I remembered from the first time around. Perhaps it is just the fact that I have confidence in what I am doing this time around.

My weight is doing well. I was a size 16 before I fell pregnant and last week managed to fit into a size 14! so I am very pleased and making an effort to eat healthily. I still have to wait a few more weeks until I am allowed to do some exercises but I am walking a lot more in the meantime. With my weight loss and a new hair cut and colour I went out last weekend for a friends birthday. It was the first proper night out I have had and I really enjoyed myself. I was bombarded with compliments which didn't do any harm to my self esteem! It has certainly spurred me on to continue to lose weight and drop a couple more dress sizes so watch this space.

Going out for the first time was strange. Although I had an amazing time every now and again I would remember my kids and feel really guilty for leaving my 3 week old with someone. There was no need to feel guilty of course as they were safe and happy but it does make you think you shouldn't be out drinking!

I still have to pinch myself and don't quite feel like I am mature enough to have two kids but I do and I wouldn't change it for the world.

The next big decision to make it what contraception I am going onto as I no longer want any more children I need something a bit more secure than the pill. I have discussed with my husband about him having the snip but as we are both in out early 30's it doesn't feel quite right and a bit too final. So in the meantime I am toying with getting the injection. I need to go to the doctors and discuss all the options.

Anyway best go as mummy duties are calling and Dexter wants a feed.