A very honest post from Week 27

Well Christmas and New Year were eventful and not in a good way. I had, what was quite possibly, the worst Christmas ever for reasons I will detail in this blog.

It began around the beginning of December. My 4 year old daughter seems to have become possessed. She started playing up and has gotten naughtier by the day. It started with her saying no to everything and refusing to do anything we tell her such as getting dressed, eating her dinner or simply not answering back to us. This progressed and she started being a smart arse with us saying things like "I don't have to do that if I don't want to" and "you can't tell me what to do". She has basically turned into a stroppy teenager overnight. We are yet to find a punishment that works on her, she just seems to be completely emotionless toward anything we implement. At the moment she has had most of her Christmas presents confiscated and has to earn them back through good behaviour but she doesn't seem at all bothered by this. I could go on and on about the ways she is naughty and the awful things she has said and done over Christmas but I simply couldn't fit it into this one blog. To sum it up on Christmas morning while opening her gifts she whispered to me with a smug smile "Santa obviously didn't know I have been a naughty girl, I got away with it".

Anyway as a result of this bad behaviour and my lack of control over her I started to get very stressed and became very worried about my blood pressure as I was having dizzy spells, one day I lost complete balance for the best part of a day and could only walk to the left... Also my tiredness had reached a point that I did not experience with my first pregnancy. Then when I started being violently sick I knew I had to sort it out. So I went to the midwife who booked me in for a glucose tolerance test. I pointed out that I thought maybe it was more to do with anaemia as I had looked it up and seemed to have all the symptoms, also with my lack of appetite it was to be expected. So she booked me in to have that tested too.

However, since that visit my well being deteriorated even more and from boxing day to new years day I couldn't go through 24 hours with having a meltdown. I cried so hard and the only thing to stop me was if someone popped over to see me as I didn't want anyone to see me like that as it would lead to questions I could not answer. Such as why was I crying? at first I didn't know but the more I was left with my thoughts the darker I spiralled and had some awful thoughts. The main theme being that I was a terrible mother for bringing my daughter up to be acting in such an awful way. She spoke to me like dirt and I started to think that maybe I deserved it. Over the festive period many people had ideas and opinions on how I should be handling her which just worked to firm up this idea in my head that everyone thinks I am an awful mum. These thoughts then led on to my unborn baby and the fact that I shouldn't be having him. If I couldn't handle my daughter it was simply not fair to bring another baby into the world for me to mess up.
Among these awful thoughts was an overwhelming feeling of utter hopelessness and despair. I just wanted to withdraw from everything around me and shut myself in my bedroom alone for a really long time. These are feelings I have felt before and deep down I knew what was really going on.

Meanwhile, it didn't take long for my husband to figure that something was not right. New years eve was the climax of my breakdown as I saw the new year in alone in floods of tears. I had insisted that my husband go out with his mates as I didn't feel much like celebrating. He really didn't want to leave me but I practically forced him out. I was supposed to have a girls night with my daughter, eating chocolate and playing games but by this point summer had not only pushed every boundary with me but she had even taken to refusing to talk to me as she hated me. So she was put to bed for bad behaviour and I saw in the new year alone feeling really sorry for myself.

New years day my husband confronted me properly and said he had been online and strongly suspected I had prenatal depression. Deep down I had already worked this out but didn't want to face it. I was diagnosed with very mild depression last year and stopped my medication when I fell pregnant. I thought I had been coping well but it is time for a reality check - I am not well.

I have my next midwife appointment next week and plan to be honest with her about my emotional state as I suspect this is more likely to be the cause of dizziness and tiredness. So I have not been diagnosed with prenatal depression yet but it wouldn't come as a surprise if that is the outcome next week.
Since facing up to this I have been a bit better. I still feel quite lost and very down on myself but going back to work has been a welcome distraction.

I couldn't decide if I was going to write this blog as it is extremely personal and I never like to bring this sort of attention to myself and certainly do not want anyone to treat me any different. But the purpose of these posts are to give an honest account of my pregnancy and hopefully help other people going through similar things. Prenatal depression is more difficult to recognise than post natal as people ignore their feelings and put it down to pregnancy hormones and scientists think it is more common than the 1 in 10 official stats.
If just one person reads this and can relate to the thoughts and feelings and therefore gets help and a diagnosis then it is worth it. Pregnancy should be an amazing experience that you should embrace and not feel like a chore and something you want to get out of the way. Even writing this blog has made me feel a bit better.

One last point is that you are only as strong as the support you have and my husband has been incredible throughout. A year ago one sight of me crying and he would get mum over to sort me out or just "get out of my way" and go out somewhere for the day. But he has just said all the right things and done exactly what I need him to do which most of the time is just give me a hug.

I had my blood tests done today for anaemia and diabetes but I suspect they will come back negative.
Will update you next week.

Happy new year
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The middle bit - not a lot happens

I haven't blogged for a while so thought I should before Christmas gets in the way and I really won't have time.

The main reason I have been absent is simply that there is not much to say. I have had no appointments, no crucial news or advice to depart and no significant worries. It’s all a bit dull to be honest.

My bump is stupidly big now and I am only 24 weeks, I am trying not to think how big I may end up! The bigger bump is proving more difficult to manage especially with finding clothes to fit and general backache.

The heartburn is back and worse than ever. I have discovered that Tums are much nicer and work just as well but I am basically eating them all day (within the restricted allowance obviously). It is starting to keep me awake at night too which isn't very nice. The backache can get to a painful climax by the end of a day and I am starting to struggle to get out of chairs if they are too low down. The heels have gone today and the flats are here to stay until the baby is born I suspect. Not the best look for a 5ft 2inch round munchkin but totally worth it.

I am also starting to get an annoying pain next to my belly button. I had this last time and they said it was a hernia but this time they have agreed it is not a hernia at all but just a nerve issue and has a lot to do with the way the baby is laying - not that it makes it any less painful.

No swelling of fingers, feet or ankles this time around which was well underway last time so I am very pleased. The baby moves about and kicks in interesting patterns through the day. Seems to be most happiest when I am at work which is odd (perhaps it’s the peace and quiet here). The kicks are getting very strong too, starting to actually see them now which I will never get used to.

I had one emotionally charged day this week where I had been through the weekend from hell (various reasons I won't go into now) and thankfully had the Monday off work. I spent that day crying for the most part. I honestly could not say if it was a legitimate down day or if it was hormonally charged but it wasn't nice whatever it was. I'm all good now though.

To be honest I quite often forget I am pregnant until I look down. I know that sounds like a strange thing to say but it is true. The first pregnancy I was monitoring absolutely everything, all aches and pains were looked up on Google just to make sure they were normal, all signs of stress or things that caused high blood pressure were immediately rectified. This time around I feel like I am just floating through it, almost like it is happening to someone else. I haven't even brought anything for the baby yet which is very odd for me. Maybe it is because I am an experienced pregnant person now or maybe it is because with a four year old to look after I don't get time to think or worry about myself so much. Whatever it is it is making the time fly by which is good. I only just realised I have 16 weeks left which isn't very much actually.

I have been getting a few painful twinges and I am pretty sure at my next appointment they will tell me my blood pressure is up. I have been overdoing it especially at work. Not sure why I keep volunteering to work 14 hour days... or even putting my hand up for new work that comes in. I can't really cope but hate having to admit that. I should be resting more than I am and will make it my mission over the Christmas period to do just that.

I will blog again in the New Year, unless I get bored at Christmas.

Merry Christmas XXX

Did we or didn't we?

Well after a couple of months deliberating about finding out the sex of the baby the day finally came. I had told my husband that it was entirely his decision if we were to find out but he couldn't decide.

In the waiting room, about to go in for my scan, he still hadn't decided and said I will let Summer decide. I wasn't too pleased about resting this decision on a 4 year old that really has no concept of what is going on.

So I went in and Summer sat beside me holding my hand (she was very worried that it would hurt even though I had assured her it didn't). It was a rare occasion that the baby was not moving about which was frustrating for the sonographer who needed it to move so she could get all the measurements. Eventually after some prodding it obliged and she was able to measure the important organs and bones which were all as they should be. Apparently it has a rather big tummy but Summer was a whopping 8lbs 13oz when born so this wasn't a shock to me.

Then she came to the bottom end of the baby and clear as a bell I saw an extra little something that had not been there in Summers scan! I kept quiet in case I was wrong and it was the cord or something. Then she asked if we would like to know. Phil squirmed for a whole 10 seconds before saying yeah go ahead. The sonographer confirmed that it was in fact a boy!!!

I have always maintained that I would be happy either way but deep down I think I always hoped it was a boy to complete our family and give us one of each. I immediately realise just how lucky we are as most parents would love to have one of each but end up with 3 girls!

Not only that but also to have two healthy pregnancies and babies (touch wood) has not gone unnoticed by us. We are truly blessed and I feel like this baby boy will be the last piece of our puzzle and will complete our family.

Phil’s immediate reaction was to announce that we will definitely have to move house so that the kids can have their own room. This was shortly followed by his excitement over having someone to go to the gym with. I think he will have a while to wait until then!

Summer reacted by giving me a look of "yeah I knew it was a boy". She immediately suggested Charlie or Jackson as possible names which I am assuming are friends in her pre-school class.

We have got a short list of names which we have pulled down to two possibles but I am not sharing that until he is born. I may change my mind between now and April anyway.

Scan aside I have still been feeling pretty awful. Tiredness that I can't even begin to explain. I also now cannot walk too fast otherwise I get a pulling on the front of my tummy that is difficult to explain but extremely uncomfortable. Best way to try and describe it is to imagine you have drunk lots and lots of water and then run down the road and you can feel it swishing about which gives you a weird sensation. I suggest you try doing that just so you get an idea of how I feel!

So now onto the shopping. I will need to buy lots of stuff now the colour has changed. Most of Summers old baby clothes are pink and I got rid of the bottles etc. So I must start stocking up.

I now don't have a midwife appointment until in between Christmas and new year.

Kat

XXXXX

Go with your instincts

My instincts are rarely wrong and yet again this has proved to be the case. When my midwife told me I would need to have consultant led care I was rather surprised and bemused. None of my family or medical history has changed since the first pregnancy and I couldn't see any other reason to be so heavy handed with my care.

So I went along to the hospital appointment last week to see the consultant. What a complete and utter waste of time.

First off I had to wait an hour and a half to be seen which didn't put me in the best of moods, this coupled with the fact that the waiting room was filled with women who were either morbidly obese or very young meant I really didn't want to be there.

I eventually got seen after complaining about the wait. I hate complaining but it is amazing how quickly after that I was seen so maybe my husband is right and it does have its benefits. So I met Mrs Watkins who was very nice. After going through a list of questions she also had the bemused look that I had on her face and very matter of factly said "I am seriously unsure why you have been sent to me, You won't need to come again" and "I think your midwife was a bit gung-ho".

The questions that had originally raised the alarms were: does anyone in yours or your husband immediate family have any heart problems, my answer was yes as my mother in law had heart surgery a few years ago. This apparently has no relevance on my health as she is my in law. Next - Could you give more detail on the heart palpitations you suffered during the last pregnancy, I said that I was told to cut out caffeine which seemed to control it and I haven't had a reoccurrence. This again therefore, had no relevance to this pregnancy. Next - Could you give more detail on the hernia you were diagnosed with during the last pregnancy, I said that I have had no problems with it since and it only hurt when I was heavily pregnant. The consultant then asked if I had a lump or my belly button popped out, both of which I answered with a no. She then informed me that I had therefore been misdiagnosed and it could not have been a hernia. The last question referenced a couple of cervical biopsies I’d had years ago. She said "it says here you have had to cone biopsies" to which I replied "what is a cone biopsy" she went on to explain that a cone biopsy is quite severe and they remove the whole top layer of your cervix while you are under general anaesthetic. This is not what I had had done at all, mine was very small and unpainful biopsies which I underwent while conscious. I have no idea why the midwife would have written something that I clearly hadn't said so the consultant just said that again these biopsies have no relevance to my pregnancy!

The thing I was most concerned and annoyed about (my weight) didn't even factor into the conversation. All she said is that because my BMI is over 30 (it is 30.7!) I will have to have an additional scan at 34 weeks which isn't a bad thing really. Anyway she let me hear the heartbeat again before leaving and sending in another midwife.

This midwife, Clare, was really nice and just relayed what had just been discussed and what would be sent to my doctor. Then she asked if I would take part in a research study they were doing in partnership with Cardiff University on pregnancy in obese women. She told me that I would have to fill out 3 questionnaires at different stages and they would send me a £10 voucher for the baby and 12 free slimming world vouchers so I said what the hell, sign me up.

The worst part about my pointless visit to the hospital was after the appointment when I was waiting at the desk to get a scan appointment date and I noticed an area slightly separate from the other waiting room and in there was a midwife who seemed to be consoling a lady who looked to be about 5 or 6 months pregnant. I was trying to not be nosey but I caught a few odd words and it was obvious she had lost her baby. I almost broke into tears then and there. Miscarriages happen all the time and I am not saying that it is easy at any stage of pregnancy but when it happens at the later stage it must be worse. You have grown so attached to the idea by then and the absolute worst part is that you have to go through the birthing process. Being at 5 months myself I just really felt for her and the very thought of going through that myself really upset me.

The really good news is that I have my second scan next week and I may or may not find out the sex. Check back next week to find out!

Kat

Almost halfway

I am now 19 weeks pregnant (almost halfway point). At my midwife appointment the other week I did get to hear the heartbeat. It was much faster than I remembered but felt nice to hear it and that it was all normal and strong.

There has been so much movement over the last week. My stomach feels like a washing machine on a spin cycle. The kicking feels like flutters but every now and again it feels like my whole stomach has turned over - much like the feeling you get when you drive over a little hill really fast.

I am still yet to buy any maternity clothes but have found some nice bits in Debenhams and M&S. I have however got myself some flat shoes as my back is still struggling with the extra weight. The bump is getting bigger by the day but unlike last time it is all staying at the front (apparently a clear sign of carrying a boy). Last time I just got bigger all the way around (apparently a clear sign of carrying a girl).

Last week I had started to stop feeling so sick and even got some of my appetite back. This was only short lived and I am yet again unable to eat properly (if at all). I feel tired all the time and am pretty much unable to function in the evenings. Any evening plans fill me with terror as I just cannot function beyond 6pm. The heartburn is on and off but when it flares up it is incredibly painful. I have discovered that Rennie tablets are much better than Gaviscon and will now not go anywhere without them!

Went to a wedding last week and saw some friends that I have not seen in a while. All of them commented on my weight loss. I even had some comments on my bigger boobs, slightly inappropriate but I was flattered all the same. Although while on the subject my boobs have definitely started to get bigger. I am just wondering when I will have to give in and wear the hideous maternity bras.

I am seeing the consultant on Friday (the appointment I missed the other week). I have no idea what to expect but I am guessing they will weigh me and ask a load of questions. Would be a bonus if I got another scan out of it.

Anyhow, I am off to bed early tonight as I have a late night tomorrow going to see rock of ages in London. I have to plan ahead for a late night to ensure I can manage it!

Kat
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Second trimester

Things are very fast moving in the pregnancy world and the second trimester is probably the quickest part.
I am at 17 weeks now and the itching has begun! I forgot how irritating this could be, I literally itch from head to toe at the most inconvenient times. Mainly when I go to bed or am trying to chill out in the evening. Based on last time around I am hopeful that this won't last long as it has an awful affect on my mood.

The other thing is that I can feel the baby moving (or kicking). At the moment it is very infrequent and I can only really feel it if I am lying still as it is quite faint but that will increase over the coming weeks and will probably be another thing that will keep me awake.

My appetite is getting better although I still have to eat as soon as I am hungry otherwise I go off the thought of eating very quickly. Also when I eat I can only manage tiny portions so it is a case of trying to eat little and often which is better for you anyway. The upside to this is that I have lost half a stone since the beginning of my pregnancy so keeping the babies additional weight and water retention in mind I think I have lost about a stone in total. Not the best way to lose weight I admit but still happy about it all the same.

With so much going on lately I completely missed my first consultant appointment at the hospital last week - whoops. Had to re-arrange for the 11th November, I hope they are not to angry with me when I turn up. I have my second midwife appointment in two days where there will be many more tests (urine, blood etc). I am trying to remember if I will be able to hear the baby's heartbeat at this appointment. I will have to let you know next week.

As I get heavier I am fearing for my back. I have a weak back anyway and have thrown it out on many occasions. During my last pregnancy I threw it out cutting a hedge and I have had the sort of twinges lately that indicate it is struggling. If I walk too far or do too much housework I spend the next day struggling to get out of the chair and walk. Best reason I have ever had to be lazy really!
I will just have to take it easy and be extra careful.

Not long until the second scan now (3.5 weeks) and still no decision made on finding out the sex of the baby. I had decided to go along with my husband and not find out but now he is back tracking and thinks maybe he does want to know. Think I will just let him decide!

The final thing I want to mention this week is maternity clothes. Why on earth can I not find any really nice maternity wear? I love what Emma Willis wears on the telly but god knows where she gets her stuff from as I just cannot find anything that comes close. I may email her management and try to find out. It seems the word frump is very closely associated with maternity. I spend all day yesterday trying to find some suitable trousers for work and couldn't find a thing. I got all excited when I heard H&M do maternity only to be hugely disappointed to find tracksuit type trousers, smock tops and nothing else. I don't want to pay big prices for these clothes as I won't be in them for long but I am starting to think I have no choice. Instead I bought some really big, normal clothes which should get me by for a little while longer.

Anyhow that is it from me. Getting ready for my big 30th birthday party this weekend where I am going to be dressed as a very scary female chucky doll. This will be a real tester of how sociable I can be without alcohol and also if I can actually have fun without drinking... let’s wait and see.

Kat
xxxxx

Mood swings & sex

I haven't written in a while mainly because I have been in a constant bad mood over the last couple of weeks and I refuse to write while in a negative frame of mind as it would just turn into a rant.

There have a been a number of changes over the last few weeks. A weakened bladder is by far the worst of it! Other changes include a bigger bump (really struggling for clothes now), discomfort and cramps in the side of my tummy and cravings.

To top all of this off I have been intensely busy at work and with tasks that require a great deal of thinking, creativity and problem solving. This is becoming a big problem for me as my brain is getting a bit jumbled, my thoughts are much more clouded and not as sharp as they usually are. This in turn causes a great deal of frustration and generally just making myself look stupid!

A lady said to me the other week "I got post natal depression when I had my daughter and I still have it 23 years later" My response - "Oh dear - how old is your daughter". She laughed in my face and I felt so stupid! This is just one example of many.

The main difference between this pregnancy and my last is that I am kind of ignoring that it's happening. The first time around I followed the weekly faetal updates and took on board most of the recommendations from the books etc but this time I really don't have a care in the world. I get a cramp and instead of thinking "oh god what if something is wrong" I actually think "oh great, I'm in that stage already!"

I do think it has been easier this time with much less anxiety and worry. That said, I am still not and will not enjoy it. I really don't get women that say they love pregnancy, I just could totally do without it and have my baby delivered by a stork (think dumbo).

Summer is getting really excited and it is lovely to see. She tells me that she plays mummies at pre-school and shoves a dolly under her jumper. She asks that when the baby is born if she can help feed it, dress it etc. She has also named the baby flower as we thought it would be nice to give it a pre-pregnancy name to make it easier for her. Summer came up with the name flower because the baby is growing like a flower!

She also thinks the baby will come out of my bum! but that is a conversation I will save for another day.

Another nice thing is that although my bump is getting bigger I seem to have slimmed down a bit in other places like my face and many people have commented. This makes me a bit happy, my husband even said that I look really good pregnant which is nice. There is one exception and that is the "funny man" of my office who thinks it is hilarious to tell me daily that I am piling on the pounds!

There is a topic that is starting to worry me a little and that is the sex. NO! not the lack of or too much as your dirty minds would have thought but the sex of the baby. Last time we found out at the second scan that we were having a little girl. This time my husband really doesn't want to know and in some ways I think if he feels that strongly about it then maybe I should give him this one thing and not find out... But I really want to know.
We are at a stalemate with it and I think I may have to be the bigger person and let him win this one. I still have a little while left to make the decision but it does have to be made.

Would you want to know?
Fill in my poll to the right of the page.