Stuck In The Middle With Kat

Someone recently said to me "you always seem to be caught in the middle of situations, not sure how you cope" and quite honestly it hadn't occurred to me until that moment, my friend was completely right.

It got me thinking about how that happens as the situations all differ and the relationships I have with those people all differ; some are close friends, some acquaintances, some are friends of friends, some are family, some are colleagues and on occasion it is people I barely know at all. On a night out I have been known to go out for a cigarette and end up staying there for an hour while I try to help some random stranger in need of advice.

Which leads me to my point, why is this the case?
Do I have a kind face, do I give good advice, is it my calm un-phased demeanor and ability to not judge people and remain unbiased, or is it simply that I put myself in that position by being nosy and assuming I can solve all the worlds problems?

Or is it for a completely different reason altogether. I like to help people and particularly like the buzz I get from making people happy so perhaps I seek out problems to fix. On further thinking it is not a completely selfless trait as there is a part of me that wants to be needed and I want to feel that people rely on me. Perhaps even a call for help that no one ever answers.

In previous blogs I have described my depression and how I have bouts of despair and unhappiness. I think it is this part of me that enables me to see despair in other people. I can recognise the false smiles and am never fooled by the "I'm fine" responses which leads me to push deeper. When I am at my lowest I am always left disappointed at the lack of support from other people. I am longing for someone to see through my fake smile and force me to accept a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen without having to actually ask for help.
Of all the people I have ever known there are only two people that recognise this in me and see that I am starting to fall and that is my dad and a work colleague. Funnily enough those two people also suffer from depression so perhaps it is a secret code that only we see.
That is not to say my husband, family and friends are not supportive as that really isn't the case. I have some amazing people around me but unfortunately they don't see it until I have fallen deep into a slump.

So I have come to the conclusion that I get myself in the middle of people and their problems for three reasons:
1 - I genuinely want to help people and make everyone around me happy.
2 - Hoping that one day I will do this for someone who will do the same for me - searching for a like-minded person that I could use as a crutch in the future.
3 - I quite often have this feeling inside me of loneliness and if left with my thoughts for too long I will over-think and over-analyse stuff so getting involved in other peoples problems is a great distraction.

I don't think this is unhealthy and hopefully I have helped people along the way so perhaps this is one of those win win situations.

Pushy Parent

My daughter is 6 years old and, in my completely biased view, is quite talented.
I know a lot of people think that about their kids but she genuinely does have a sparkle.

Since she could talk she has sang and since she could walk she has danced. I thought this was quite normal and took no notice but promised that when she started school I would enroll her in some classes of her choice which ended up being ballet.

During her first term at the dance school they were putting on an inaugural show which she was delighted to be a part of. There were plenty of rehearsals and extended dance classes in preparation and when show night came I was amazed at the scale of it. They performed Cinderella with a cast of varying levels and ages and it took my breath away.
Summer, my daughter, only had a small part but I was so proud of her for getting up on the stage so fearlessly while hundreds of eyes watched on. She looked so tiny but I could see the exhilaration on her face. After the show she was beside herself with excitement saying that she loved the stage and wanted to be on there every night.

It has been a year since that show and she still attends the dance classes and has really come a long way in her ballet technique. She will dance around the house and in the supermarket and up the street (basically anywhere she can find the space) and it makes my heart melt every time.

Along with the dancing is her singing which has really crept up on me. After watching the new Disney film 'Frozen' she bought the soundtrack and spent the recent half term holidays acting out the film alongside the soundtrack. I am still amazed at how quickly she learns the words to songs and the passion she will sing with and all at the age of 6!

People often comment on her lovely voice and suggest she should be on the stage but I am not sure if I should push her or wait until she is older and more mature to take it seriously.
I looked into stagecoach which does the singing, dancing and acting but it is a bit out of my price range. There are other possibilities to get her more involved in this area but as always it is an investment so I will only let her do it if she is serious.

She watches the voice and Britain's Got Talent and tells me that she would love to go on that one day. She has even asked if it would be ok to make up and sing her own songs!

I am very careful to not be a pushy parent and blindly persuade my daughter she has real talent but there is no denying that she has got something and with the right training could go far. This is not a phase or something that she will lose interest in. From the age of 2 she was begging to be on stage with the performers during our annual Haven holidays.

I think I will investigate some local drama groups and see how she gets on. The minute she stops having fun we will stop. Watch this space as I think a star has been born.

The skydive happened

The day came around rather quickly and suddenly I was preparing to drive to Headcorn airfield for my skydive.
The week leading up to it I was waiting for the anxiety to start, for the whirl in the pit of your stomach and the feeling of regret but it never came.
I was so much more anxious about meeting my sponsorship target. Thanks to all the wonderful people that supported me I even exceeded it.

So the day arrived and it was an early start. We headed off at 6.30am in order to get to Kent for 8am.
The drive was tense with a car full (my husband, mum and children came to support me) but the tension was coming from my husband who seemed to be far more concerned than I was.
As with almost every car journey we take we missed a crucial junction and had to drive an extra 20 miles with my husband cursing that we would be late.

So after a bit of a detour we arrived about the same time as my four fellow skydivers from work. We signed in and filled out the relevant forms and then got called to our briefing. The instructor ran through all the do's and don't's in a comical but stern way. The underlying theme was "this will be fun but DO AS I SAY and no one will get hurt". We practised some of the positions - jumping and landing - and still I had no butterflies.

We then went out onto the airfield to enjoy the sun until our names were called. It was a long wait and we could watch the other skydivers descending to the ground.



Our turn arrived and everyone kissed their love ones goodbye as mine just flippantly waved and told me to have fun (we are not big on public displays of affection). We went through and in came stern instructor guy calling my name, he was my partner for the tandem jump. He suited me up and I looked utterly ridiculous, we went out for final checks and all my co jumpers appeared looking equally ridiculous. We then made our walk over the airfield the the pick up point.

The airplane was small and tinny and we were crammed in like sardines. I volunteered to jump last so I could watch everyone else leave so we had to sit right at the back. You practically had to sit on your partners lap which was a bit awkward. We waited a rather long time to ascend to the relevant height, hovering at 3,000ft which seemed pretty high but was only a third of where we were going.

As we reached the 12,000 ft height my instructor started running through what I needed to do and started clipping us together. Then the door was flung open and three pro's who were also on board jumped and disappeared in an instant, then it was my friends turn. One by one the were hung out of the door and then gone until I realised I was the only one left. We shuffled over and I was hung out of the door attached only by harnesses to my instructor. I got into my shuttlecock position (bending backwards with my head back) and out we went.

The rush of air completely took my breath away and I struggled to maintain a regular breathing pattern. It didn't feel as though we were falling which I think is down to the fact that above the clouds I couldn't make out the ground and therefore couldn't gain perspective.

I immediately thought "oh my god, I am actually doing this" closely followed by the immense pain I felt by the leg harnesses. they were pulled tight across my upper thighs and the restriction just felt as though it was cutting through as all my weight was being held by this. The parachute was then pulled and the pain didn't ease up so the instructor very kindly let me stand on his feet and take some of the pressure off my legs. It was only at this point that I truly took everything in and starting to enjoy it. After a few bumps the instructor apologised and said the parachute hadn't opened as smoothly as he would have liked (don't tell me that in mid air!).

I looked around and saw my fellow jumpers flying through the sky, it was truly surreal and you could see for miles.I was given controls of the parachute and was told how to do a spin which was amazing.

As we came into land I was told to raise my legs into the seated position but due to a brutal bootcamp session the day before my legs were not complying to my will. Just as we hit the ground my legs dropped and one leg was forced under us both and dragged a little distance. My instructor screamed at me "this is how people break their ankles" to which I responded "I'm fine honestly" as I gingerly tried to stand up. It was all fine and I was very lucky.

The minibus drove us back to our families who were shouting well done etc with massive amounts of pride and all I could think was "I want to do that again" closely followed by a feeling on sickness. I don't know if it was the rush of adrenaline, the spinning, the altitude sickness or the onset of heatstroke but I felt very nauseous (the kind you feel after a day on roller coasters).

I am immensely proud of myself and my colleagues for doing it and raising over £1000 for our charity (Shooting Stars Chase) and am already thinking about the next jump.