36+ weeks

Since I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes it has been hectic with hospital appointments. First I had to go visit the dietitian. She didn't tell me a huge amount that I hadn't already read in the leaflets they gave me. I have been using the home testing kit 4 times a day every day and am starting to get used to it now. I have to prick my finger and put the blood on a strip which then gives me a reading of the sugar levels in my blood. I am controlling it quite well with my diet.

Last week I had to go to see the consultant and the diabetic consultant. It does concern me when you visit them in the hospital as they just don't have enough time to really check your notes. This was proved when both consultants pointed out that the glucose test was done very late in my pregnancy and couldn't understand why. So I had to explain that this was actually the second test which was done as a result of a late scan showing the huge growth of my baby. It just worried me that they may be missing other things...
Also they have booked me in for another scan next week and I asked if the baby is still on the huge side would they then decide to induce me early to which I was told that early induction would only happen as a result of my sugar levels from my blood tests! Trouble is I do not have a problem with my sugar levels as they themselves have told me. This is all down to the size of the baby so I am none the wiser, all i do know for sure is that they will not let me go over my due date.

I have picked up some kind of chesty cough which has made for a really uncomfortable few days with very little sleep. every time I cough I pull all the muscles in my stomach. At night my coughing fits always leads me to have to get up for a wee too.
Today has been a particularly bad day and I have half expected to go into labour any minute. I have no energy at all, extreme pain in my lower back and odd sensations in my stomach. The nausea seems to have kicked in again which is not good when, due to the diabetes, I cannot skip any meals. I don't know if labour is imminent but I can definitely feel that my body is getting ready.
It would certainly make for a lovely mothers day gift this weekend.

The toughest part is that I am still at work. I thought I could cope fine but this week has been really hard. I have practically emptied my desk and handed all my projects over to other people so I am really just waiting it out. A couple of people in my office are really scared that I will go into labour at my desk and they will have to do something. I do keep pointing out that if that happened I would slope out of the office and drive myself home which they find incredible. Needless to say I think TV and films have a lot to answer for in  this respect as they give the wrong impression of what really happens

So next week is I have another scan and I will hopefully know more then about possible early induction. Watch this space. I may even be less grumpy and poorly next week too.

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Glucose tolerance results

So i had to fast from last night which was particularly difficult when you cannot even have a heartburn tablet which i have become incredibly dependent on. This morning began with having to drink the disgusting glucose drink which is lemon flavour and really sickly. This has to be drunk exactly 2 hours before the blood test and you must drink it within 5 minutes. The most difficult part is actually just keeping the drink down because if you throw it up you cannot have the test.

I go in to have my blood test at Frimley hospital and realise just what a wimp i am. You would think i could have a blood test without wincing after the amount i have had but no. I am told to go and eat something and come back in an hour. After a not too bad toasted sandwich i go back and am quickly told the test is positive so i must wait to speak to the diabetic specialist.

The specialist explains everything to me and explains that this is only a temporary condition and will stop as soon as I have had my baby. She hands me a very scary looking self testing kit and goes on to explain I have to prick the tip of my finger and process the blood through the machine 4 times a day.

On Thursday I am seeing the dieticien as they think it can be controlled via my diet rather than resorting to insulin shots.

On Monday I will see the consultant again who will review my weeks worth of glucose measurements that I have to log in a little diary.

I have been told that at this stage they cannot say for sure if they will induce me early but they can commit to saying they will not let me go over my due date. The next few weeks they will be keeping a close eye on me and the size of my baby (I may even have another scan) and make a decision on my induction date soon so watch this space.

In the meantime no chocolate for me, healthy eating is a must and 3 meals a day is also a must. I have even substituted the sugar in my tea with sweetener which really doesn't taste the same. The upside to revamping my diet is that by the time I have had this baby I will be used to it and can continue the diet alongside my bootcamp and generally get back into proper shape which I find really exciting.

On a side note I, in no way, see this as an awful thing as I am completely aware that of all the things that can go wrong in pregnancy this is not even close to the bad stuff. I watch one born every minute and last weeks episode was a real reminder of how lucky I am and that I shouldn't moan so much. The episode in question touched upon stillbirths and it was just what I needed to kick me out of my spiralling grump about heartburn, aches & pains, sleep deprivation and lack of most pleasures (alcohol, cigarettes and now chocolate). Sometimes you need a slap in the face like that to realise what you have and how good you have got it.

In Jerry Springer style here is my thought of the day - No matter how bad you think things are there is always someone out there going through worse than you.

Perhaps a change of plan

It has been a busy couple of weeks starting with a lovely long weekend break to Butlins and ending in a worrying hospital appointment.

I will run through things in order and firstly tell you about our lovely weekend away. It was important for us to have a break but more importantly was to spend some quality one on one time with my daughter before she has to share us with her brother. Butlins was the perfect choice and did the job perfectly. We ended up talking an awful lot about the impending addition to our family (bought up by Summer who is really excited)
There were only two downsides and that was that I had to squeeze into a swimming costume - something that no one should see at 33 weeks pregnant! and the walking. Our apartment was so far from the main complex it was a struggle to walk that far for me. I had also managed to throw my back out the day before we left which made for quite a bit of discomfort over the weekend.

When we got back I managed to pick up a chest infection so have been struggling more than usual to breathe and coughing so hard with such a weak pelvic floor brings its own dangers in public. For anyone that didn't understand that last bit you will have to look up the term pelvic floor as I am not going to explain here and embarrass myself any more.

So on Friday I had a 34 week scan thanks to my obesity! It was a bit strange as it was hard to work out which part of the baby we were looking at. It took ages as they seemed to measure absolutely everything. His head was so far down that i had to be tilted practically upside down just to get the baby to move his head. All of his organs were in good order but I did notice that on the computer screen it said my estimated due date was the 19th March which is odd as I am actually due on the 6th April. I asked the sonographer about it and she explained that my due date hadn't changed it was just an estimate based on the measurements that the computer automatically updates.

After the scan I went into my appointment with the consultant who made things much clearer. Basically my baby boy is currently huge! Based on the measurements he is almost 7lbs already but we have another 6 weeks to go (should be about 4-5lbs at this stage). This is most commonly due to gestational diabetes or just down to the fact that some people just breed big babies. Because of my previous diabetes test being borderline negative they need me to take it again. I am doing this tomorrow morning. If it is positive (which i will also find out tomorrow) I will be straight into the diabetic clinic in the afternoon and will begin to discuss options. Hopefully it can just be sorted out via diet. If the test comes back negative I have to go back on Friday to discuss options with the consultant as at this rate of growth it would be too dangerous to go full term.
So it seems that whatever happens tomorrow I am more than likely going to be induced early. That will be strange as they will actually book me in so I will know when my baby is coming. I am trying not to second guess what is going to happen but my gut is telling me I will be induced about 2 weeks earlier than my actual due date. I will need to review a few things such as when I finish work.
I also packed my hospital bag today so I am now officially ready to meet my baby boy whenever that will be.

I will blog about the test results tomorrow! wish me luck.

Under 8 weeks to go

Well I am on the home stretch which is brilliant. The only downside is that I am starting to feel really bad again as in the morning sickness is back.
I have a whole new set of ailments to complain about now. The main gripe is the pain I am getting in my pelvic bones... ouch! I read up and apparently it is just my bones softening and readying themselves for the labour but it just feels like someone has kicked me between the legs and I have loads of bruising. It mainly hurts the most after I have been sitting for too long and try to get up, i walk away from my desk looking like John Wayne. I am in too much pain to even be embarrassed by it!
Also I seem to be suffering from horrendous circulation issues in my legs. I wake up in the night and cannot feel whatever side of my leg I am laying on so have to turn over to regain feeling again. Turning over is a massive struggle in itself as I am just so heavy....
Then we move onto the movements of the baby. As there is hardly any room in there now all movements are magnified and I not only feel it but can now see it. The other day I even spilt some water from the force as I had it resting on my tummy. The motions of these movements actually make me feel a bit nauseous and can sometimes really hurt. On the other side of it though it does come with huge reassurances that the baby is healthy and things are going fine. What I love the most is that the baby really responds to my daughters voice. She sings to him sometimes and he moves erratically every time, it is so special to see and is helping my daughter to bond already.

The swelling in my ankles and feet seem to have stopped so that is nice but the heartburn is becoming quite unbearable. I am living on Tums and am pretty sure I am consuming more than the recommended dose. Someone told me that severe heartburn is a sign of your baby having lots of hair and this was proved right when my daughter was born so looks like I am having another hairy one!

The tiredness is really hitting home now and more so because I am up so many times in the night either with having to lug my huge body onto its other side or just needing the loo as baby is on my bladder.

At my last midwife appointment she did tell me that the baby is head down and very low. I took this to mean the baby is getting into position and I should prepare myself that he could be making an early appearance but I think that may be wishful thinking,

I do feel much more prepared now as we got the cot and changing unit out of the garage and cleaned it all up. The equipment is all set up in Summers room now and I even put the bedding on the moses basket and cleaned up the old rocking chair I had for night feeds with Summer. I have bought lots of clothes, vests, bibs, socks, hats, blankets etc. We have sorted out some of our finances in preparation for my maternity leave also.

I am definitely winding down on the work side of things. I had a client meeting up in London last week which absolutely wiped me out so I have pretty much ruled out anymore client visits now. I have now given official notice of my leaving date and am using up outstanding holiday by working only 4 day weeks from this week which will help loads with my tiredness.

We are off to Butlins this Friday for a long weekend away. Both my husband and I thought it was important to give our daughter just one last weekend away where it is all about her and get that quality time in. It will also do us all some good to get away for a few days and have a change of scenery. My daughter has really turned a corner and has grown up a bit more. She really tries to look after me and is always making sure I am alright. She tries to help me wherever she can and is really making me proud. The other night she slept in our bed and I was suffering with pains in my back so she insisted on scratching my back to try to help me sleep. She is only 4 so to be showing that amount of compassion is pretty incredible at her age.

Next week I think I will pack my hospital bag and that is the last thing on my to do list (other than the birth that is). I just need to remember what I should pack but I am pretty sure I will find helpful lists online.

Until next time
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Week 30 - getting inpatient

As I enter my 30th week I am really starting to feel it. The babies movements are becoming quite intense and if I look hard enough I can almost figure out which body part is pushing out (usually feet or elbows).
My ankles have still not started swelling up badly but they really do hurt at the end of the day. The heartburn is back too with avengance. There are so many ailments that I can't even be bothered to list them. The final physical problem is the ever increasing bump which seems to grow every day. I am really struggling now to find any clothes baggy enough and as for walking well... it is well and truly a waddle now.

Work is really difficult as on top of the tiredness and lack of concentration I am simply losing my focus and find myself drifting off in my own thoughts at my desk making baby plans, thinking about what I still need to buy, what I should be packing in my hospital bag and generally counting down the days till I leave.
This has all been made so much easier lately as my best friend now works with me so it is great to have her additional support and having three children of her own she completely gets it all.

My depression has been up and down over the last couple of weeks. One thing I am sure of, however, is that it is triggered mainly by my daughters misbehaviour. We started doing star charts and a reward system for good behaviour which seems to be doing the trick and it has made for a more pleasant home life.
The last week has been stressful with an ever increasing workload, deadlines, tiredness and a few bouts of paranoia so my mood has taken some dips. I can see when it is happening though and try to pull myself out - which I am able to do at the moment without medication so its all good.

We booked a holiday for next month, just going to Butlins for a long weekend but it is a getaway which will do us all good and give summer some quality time before the baby comes.

Last weekend we got the cot and changing unit out of the garage and it is all set up now in Summers room. She is so excited about having her brother in the room with her. I feel a bit of relief that we are pretty much ready now. I really only need to pack my hospital bag but I will wait another few weeks before I do this. I also got loads of boys clothes from a charity shop.
My mum also found a fantastic bargain of a pushchair which we have bought together so I am really pleased as this was the only thing I wanted brand new.

Anyway seeing the midwife again next week and then I have a final scan on the 24th Feb.

Third Trimester - 28 weeks

Wow - the response I had after last weeks post was very overwhelming and unexpected. I think above all it hit a familiar note with many people and some friends were very surprised about how I had kept my feelings hidden (comes from years of practise).

Anyhow this week things are looking much brighter. I started to feel a bit brighter once I had acknowledged that my depression was creeping back in. Quite often its that first, and difficult step, that is the biggest hurdle. I had a midwife appointment booked in last Friday and had every intention of speak to her about the depression and perhaps even going back onto the medication. My husband came with me for moral support (and I suspect to ensure I didn't chicken out). I found it easier than I had thought to come out with it and contrary to the way I suspected her to react she was incredibly supportive and didn't make me feel like I was just being a drama queen. She agreed that the symptoms sounded as though it was creeping back and was open to putting me back on medication. I, however had a change of heart and decided that I would not take the pills and see how things went for a little while. I went through all the issues I was having with my 4 year old and they agreed it was probably a bit more than temper tantrums and gave me a number for someone at the Health Visitors office.
We agreed that if this was the trigger for my depression this time then it was worth trying to sort it out before medicating.

I also had the results back from my tests and I am pleased to say that I do not have anaemia or diabetes although I am just below the line with the Diabetes and it will be closely monitored. I may have to have the glucose test again but for now I am in the clear.

Another nice thing happened at my appointment and that was that while booking in my next appointment the midwife said (very flippantly) "oh that will be my last day". she continued talking and I had to stop her and ask what she meant. Turns out she is retiring and the lady who I had wrongly assumed was just in the room observing will actually be my new midwife. I was so pleased as I have not really hit it off very well with my current midwife and felt that I haven't had her full attention (may explain why if she is winding down to retirement). Her replacement is lovely and I had an immediate connection and could feel real warmth from her (which is a trait you want from a midwife).

In the meantime I have contacted the health visitor and they are sending someone out to assess my daughter. So that is another thing that may be rectified soon.

My bump has grown quite large now but it is a cute bump, the kind I aspired to have the first time around. The baby kicks and moves all the time now and my daughter has even felt him. We had to explain to her how the baby got in my tummy so we told her that daddy put a seed in my tummy which has grown into a baby. She is very annoyed however that she didn't get to see daddy put the seed in there - she has no idea how lucky she is!!

Reaching 28 weeks is nice as I am now in the third trimester (the home straight). I have started watching the new series of one born every minute and having flashbacks to my first labour. This time though I am not in the least bit frightened or anxious. I'm actually excited... which even I find a bit odd. I think it is because I went through hell the first time with a 36 hour labour I feel like I know what to expect and can therefore enjoy the amazing wonderment that is bringing a new life into the world rather than just panicking about what might happen next... or maybe I am just really excited about meeting my little boy.

The next week or so I will be trying to get sorted with the room and clothes etc as I do think I am completely under prepared.

A very honest post from Week 27

Well Christmas and New Year were eventful and not in a good way. I had, what was quite possibly, the worst Christmas ever for reasons I will detail in this blog.

It began around the beginning of December. My 4 year old daughter seems to have become possessed. She started playing up and has gotten naughtier by the day. It started with her saying no to everything and refusing to do anything we tell her such as getting dressed, eating her dinner or simply not answering back to us. This progressed and she started being a smart arse with us saying things like "I don't have to do that if I don't want to" and "you can't tell me what to do". She has basically turned into a stroppy teenager overnight. We are yet to find a punishment that works on her, she just seems to be completely emotionless toward anything we implement. At the moment she has had most of her Christmas presents confiscated and has to earn them back through good behaviour but she doesn't seem at all bothered by this. I could go on and on about the ways she is naughty and the awful things she has said and done over Christmas but I simply couldn't fit it into this one blog. To sum it up on Christmas morning while opening her gifts she whispered to me with a smug smile "Santa obviously didn't know I have been a naughty girl, I got away with it".

Anyway as a result of this bad behaviour and my lack of control over her I started to get very stressed and became very worried about my blood pressure as I was having dizzy spells, one day I lost complete balance for the best part of a day and could only walk to the left... Also my tiredness had reached a point that I did not experience with my first pregnancy. Then when I started being violently sick I knew I had to sort it out. So I went to the midwife who booked me in for a glucose tolerance test. I pointed out that I thought maybe it was more to do with anaemia as I had looked it up and seemed to have all the symptoms, also with my lack of appetite it was to be expected. So she booked me in to have that tested too.

However, since that visit my well being deteriorated even more and from boxing day to new years day I couldn't go through 24 hours with having a meltdown. I cried so hard and the only thing to stop me was if someone popped over to see me as I didn't want anyone to see me like that as it would lead to questions I could not answer. Such as why was I crying? at first I didn't know but the more I was left with my thoughts the darker I spiralled and had some awful thoughts. The main theme being that I was a terrible mother for bringing my daughter up to be acting in such an awful way. She spoke to me like dirt and I started to think that maybe I deserved it. Over the festive period many people had ideas and opinions on how I should be handling her which just worked to firm up this idea in my head that everyone thinks I am an awful mum. These thoughts then led on to my unborn baby and the fact that I shouldn't be having him. If I couldn't handle my daughter it was simply not fair to bring another baby into the world for me to mess up.
Among these awful thoughts was an overwhelming feeling of utter hopelessness and despair. I just wanted to withdraw from everything around me and shut myself in my bedroom alone for a really long time. These are feelings I have felt before and deep down I knew what was really going on.

Meanwhile, it didn't take long for my husband to figure that something was not right. New years eve was the climax of my breakdown as I saw the new year in alone in floods of tears. I had insisted that my husband go out with his mates as I didn't feel much like celebrating. He really didn't want to leave me but I practically forced him out. I was supposed to have a girls night with my daughter, eating chocolate and playing games but by this point summer had not only pushed every boundary with me but she had even taken to refusing to talk to me as she hated me. So she was put to bed for bad behaviour and I saw in the new year alone feeling really sorry for myself.

New years day my husband confronted me properly and said he had been online and strongly suspected I had prenatal depression. Deep down I had already worked this out but didn't want to face it. I was diagnosed with very mild depression last year and stopped my medication when I fell pregnant. I thought I had been coping well but it is time for a reality check - I am not well.

I have my next midwife appointment next week and plan to be honest with her about my emotional state as I suspect this is more likely to be the cause of dizziness and tiredness. So I have not been diagnosed with prenatal depression yet but it wouldn't come as a surprise if that is the outcome next week.
Since facing up to this I have been a bit better. I still feel quite lost and very down on myself but going back to work has been a welcome distraction.

I couldn't decide if I was going to write this blog as it is extremely personal and I never like to bring this sort of attention to myself and certainly do not want anyone to treat me any different. But the purpose of these posts are to give an honest account of my pregnancy and hopefully help other people going through similar things. Prenatal depression is more difficult to recognise than post natal as people ignore their feelings and put it down to pregnancy hormones and scientists think it is more common than the 1 in 10 official stats.
If just one person reads this and can relate to the thoughts and feelings and therefore gets help and a diagnosis then it is worth it. Pregnancy should be an amazing experience that you should embrace and not feel like a chore and something you want to get out of the way. Even writing this blog has made me feel a bit better.

One last point is that you are only as strong as the support you have and my husband has been incredible throughout. A year ago one sight of me crying and he would get mum over to sort me out or just "get out of my way" and go out somewhere for the day. But he has just said all the right things and done exactly what I need him to do which most of the time is just give me a hug.

I had my blood tests done today for anaemia and diabetes but I suspect they will come back negative.
Will update you next week.

Happy new year
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