This tactic has worked up until recently.
Having a 5 year old who rebels against everything you say, an 11 month baby who just won't sleep, a husband desperately trying to give up smoking, a hectic, full time work schedule - throw into the mix money worries, family worries, going on an extreme diet, beginning a novel and seemingly untreatable psoriasis and you can start to understand why the downward spiral is happening again.
For me the key to all of this is to recognise when it is happening which isn't always easy until it has gone too far and the dark cloud has really set in.
Deflection is something I adopt when the pressure is on. Rather than admit that I am not in control of my mood swings I will go on the defensive and come up with a million reasons why I am loosing my temper with you. I am so convincing it scares me sometimes. Thankfully for me my husband can now recognise these signs and point the way.
This is one of those times.
The feelings are strange when it descends on me. In the series 'Dexter' he refers to his murderous feelings as his 'dark passenger', that works well here too although I don't have murderous thoughts (need to clarify that!). It is like there is someone always there by my side. On occasion it will be silent, taking it all in, storing everything in a filing system and other times will be screaming at me, antagonising a response, throwing those files everywhere in my brain, clouding my thoughts. This goes on for a few weeks, maybe months and then I either regain control or it explodes in tears. Often I have no reason for the tears other than it has gotten too much. The passenger then goes quiet for a time, could be weeks, months or even years but I know its still there and will reappear when things get tough.
Many people may read this and wonder why on earth I would share this. The simple answer is that I am not alone and that gives me great comfort and the courage to revisit my doctor if I need to. I no longer feel like a failure to give in to the medication and also know that I don't use the medication as a crutch. Most of the time I manage to regain control and don't need anything else other than good friends to listen and a husband to help take the burden.
People shouldn't suffer in silence and instead seek the help. It is such a relief and there are so many options on offer, aside from pills.
My life is so full and I should be looking at these problems as positives. I have a 5 year old daughter who is independent and spirited, an 11 month baby who I get to spend quality evening time with as I work full time, a husband who is trying to improve his health, a full-filling job that I am proud of added to that I have a home, food on the table and my children want for nothing, a loving extended family who feel they can count on me, loosing weight and improving my health, beginning a life's ambition of writing a novel and... well can't think of anything positive to say about the psoriasis (nothing a holiday in the sun won't help).
Today was a bad day but this blog became part of my therapy, helping me to understand that only I can fix me. Tomorrow is a new day and I aim to make it a happy one.
On that note I am off to the gym (another fantastic way of blowing off steam).
Hi Kat,
ReplyDeleteI think it is important people do post stuff like this internet. So many people try and use social media to portray an artificial picture of how wonderful their lives are, but it is better to have some honesty.
On the subject of depression, I know it is caused by chemical imbalances but in my unscientific opinion I do think it is more likely to occur in people who are perfectionists or control freaks (as you say you are in your profile). If you set very high expectations of yourself or the world then it is easy to become depressed if things don't work out the way you want.
I think women nowadays have tremendous pressure put upon them to be some kind of superwoman, not only having a lovely house and nicely turned out, well behaved children but holding down a successful high pressure career at the same time. It seems to me you risk spreading yourself too thinly if you are doing all these things and going on a diet and writing a novel. I certainly couldn't do all that!
I think you need to consider that if you are doing all these things that you can't expect everything to go perfectly all the time. As I see it if you are juggling 2 balls in the air then you ought to be able to manage that fine but if you are juggling 6 then you need to accept you might drop a ball from time-to-time!
Regarding your dark passenger,to me this sounds like you are bottling up your emotions as we all do: a client wants something stupid changed and you bite your tongue; someone cuts you up on the road and you grit your teeth; someone is late for a coffee and you have to pretend it doesn't matter. These little things all build up until it all gets too much. When I was younger I sometimes felt emotionally like I was a coiled spring getting tighter and tighter. My release was getting really drunk, which then reset the spring.
I hope this helps and good luck with the novel.
Gareth
Hi Gareth,
ReplyDeleteDid you study psychology at all???
You have nailed it completely and I had completely overlooked the perfectionist aspect, which is totally correct!
I am a people pleaser, always have been and always will be, and with that comes a lot of biting your tongue, so again nailed it there too.
Thank you for your comment, it is very insightful and I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts.
Hope you are well and enjoying life!
Kat