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Stuck In The Middle With Kat

Someone recently said to me "you always seem to be caught in the middle of situations, not sure how you cope" and quite honestly it hadn't occurred to me until that moment, my friend was completely right.

It got me thinking about how that happens as the situations all differ and the relationships I have with those people all differ; some are close friends, some acquaintances, some are friends of friends, some are family, some are colleagues and on occasion it is people I barely know at all. On a night out I have been known to go out for a cigarette and end up staying there for an hour while I try to help some random stranger in need of advice.

Which leads me to my point, why is this the case?
Do I have a kind face, do I give good advice, is it my calm un-phased demeanor and ability to not judge people and remain unbiased, or is it simply that I put myself in that position by being nosy and assuming I can solve all the worlds problems?

Or is it for a completely different reason altogether. I like to help people and particularly like the buzz I get from making people happy so perhaps I seek out problems to fix. On further thinking it is not a completely selfless trait as there is a part of me that wants to be needed and I want to feel that people rely on me. Perhaps even a call for help that no one ever answers.

In previous blogs I have described my depression and how I have bouts of despair and unhappiness. I think it is this part of me that enables me to see despair in other people. I can recognise the false smiles and am never fooled by the "I'm fine" responses which leads me to push deeper. When I am at my lowest I am always left disappointed at the lack of support from other people. I am longing for someone to see through my fake smile and force me to accept a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen without having to actually ask for help.
Of all the people I have ever known there are only two people that recognise this in me and see that I am starting to fall and that is my dad and a work colleague. Funnily enough those two people also suffer from depression so perhaps it is a secret code that only we see.
That is not to say my husband, family and friends are not supportive as that really isn't the case. I have some amazing people around me but unfortunately they don't see it until I have fallen deep into a slump.

So I have come to the conclusion that I get myself in the middle of people and their problems for three reasons:
1 - I genuinely want to help people and make everyone around me happy.
2 - Hoping that one day I will do this for someone who will do the same for me - searching for a like-minded person that I could use as a crutch in the future.
3 - I quite often have this feeling inside me of loneliness and if left with my thoughts for too long I will over-think and over-analyse stuff so getting involved in other peoples problems is a great distraction.

I don't think this is unhealthy and hopefully I have helped people along the way so perhaps this is one of those win win situations.



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