More than just skin deep

I have been MIA from the blogging scene for a while now. This is mainly due to health reasons that have consumed my life lately.
For the first time in about two years I feel like I am winning my personal battle and wanted to start sharing again, so here goes.

The main thing I want to focus on today is my Psoriasis. For those not "in the know" this is a horrible skin condition that causes red, itchy and scaly skin (it is as disgusting as it sounds). Psoriasis affects around 2% of people in the UK. It can start at any age but most often develops in adults under 35 years old, and affects men and women equally. The severity of psoriasis varies greatly from person to person. For some it's just a minor irritation but, for others, it can majorly affect their quality of life. Unfortunately mine is the latter. I am now covered from my head to my toes in these awful looking patches of flakey, red soreness. 

How it began:
It all began in my scalp about 7 or 8 years ago and to be honest, at the time, I just put it down to a reaction to a specific shampoo. When, after changing shampoo, it continues to get worse I knew there was more to it. It looked like dandruff and I would have to avoid wearing black as white skin would drop to my shoulders and cause me embarrassment (still does now).

It stayed just in my scalp for a couple of years until one day (a month after having a giant back tattoo) a patch appeared on the bottom of my back. This very quickly got bigger in size almost overnight and ruined my brand new tattoo that is still not complete yet. From here it spread over my entire body within a few short months. 

How does it feel:
Itchy - 
For the most part I am itchy ALL THE TIME which puts me on edge a lot. I find myself loosing my temper so much quicker that before as I have no tolerance. The evenings are by far the worst as it reaches the kind of itchiness that simply becomes more itchy the more you scratch. I have spent many an evening crying in the bath and eventually going to bed early just so that sleep will put me out of my misery. 
Some of my patches are in places that you cannot be seen to be scratching in public (if you know what I mean) so can be very awkward.

Soreness - 
With the itching comes the soreness and bleeding. To scratch to the point you find blood on your hands is awful as you are literally scratching your skin away and still cannot ease the itchiness. Also I have patches around my trouser waist band so where possible I try to wear leggings as jeans tend to aggravate and rub it. Also around my bra line is so painful so as soon as I get home the bra comes off!

Embarrassing - 
Aside from the physical pain the emotional impact is huge. I no longer have the confidence to go swimming, put on a dress or do anything that will involve me having to come into skin to skin contact with someone. I am always thinking that people are disgusted when they look at me. Like I am the type of person that would put them off their food.
Holidays are the worst - the thought of going to a hot country where I have to wear swimwear and shorts/ tshirts etc fills me with a huge amount of dread.
I usually try to head off the embarrassment by talking about my condition up front. I would just rather people didn't talk behind my back about what I must have so I over compensate and bore the crap out of people with the history of my psoriasis... much like I'm doing here LOL

Even at home I am loathed to let even my husband see my skin. He tells me that he doesn't see it and that he loves me so much it simply doesn't bother him but I just can't help thinking "this isn't what he signed up for", I wasn't this vile when we married etc.

Anyway so as you can see its been a horrible time. To top this off about 5 years ago I began suffering from a condition called psoriatic arthritis. It is basically an arthritis condition that stems from the skin condition. This is mainly located in my feet and when it first started I actually couldn't walk. I need a walking stick to help me get around. I am now on great tablets that have got me back to "almost" normal again ie I can walk but if I walk to far or stand for too long I am in excruciating pain. which means my weight has taken a bit of an uplift as I struggle to find an exercise I can manage.
I digress as this is not the focus today but if you didn't feel sorry for me yet I'm hoping that may have swung it.

Treatment - 
Oh the road of treatment was long and frustrating. Every visit to the doctor would see me come out with yet another ointment, cream, topical treatment that just doesn't work. Well they usually worked for about a week or two and then my skin would end up worse than when I started as it flares up.
I tried plenty of herbal options and even tried dietary things like cutting out dairy - all of which failed.

The thing that would drive me crazy the most is that people are constantly offering up things you should try as it "worked for my friend" (god I have heard that phrase so many times). I know people are trying to help but unfortunately everyone is different and at this point I have tried EVERYTHING.

The thing I wanted more than anything else was light treatment as this is a much more powerful way of tackling it. Every time I went to the doctors and asked I was told that my skin was not bad enough for a referral!!!!

So last year when I was doing everything I could to not rip my own skin off I snapped, marched down to the doctors and demanded they refer me to a dermatologist and I was not leaving until I got my referral. IT WORKED!

I only had to wait 2 months for the dermatologist appointment. She tried to fob me off with more creams until i stopped her mid sentence and explained I was only interested in light therapy and she WAS going to refer me. This was back in November 2018 and today (February 2019) I had my first light therapy treatment.

It may work, it may not but after years of fighting with my GP I have finally got here.

See next blog for details on the light therapy.
See photo below of my arm on day 1 of therapy, I will be keeping a track of these patches over the 30 treatments I am due to have

Four weeks in and still strong

I am now into week 4 of the Cambridge diet and it is going well.
I am still as committed as I was at the start. Don't get me wrong I am not a saint and have had a couple of little cheats:

• I attended a wedding and may have indulged in a few (too many) glasses of red wine
• On my daughters birthday I did have a (small) slice of cake
• Last weekend we went to Thorpe park and I had a KFC 
• Finally I had a very small roast dinner last Sunday.

Not great I know and I am sure Debbie (my weight plan consultant) will read this and tell me off next week but what I am impressed with is the things I have chosen to cheat with. I am no longer craving chocolate, crisps, cakes etc it is really only actual food that I am craving.

The thing I want the most is a slice of toast with peanut butter (this will be the first thing I have when I stop the diet). 

I have learnt that actually the small portioned meals I am allowed do fill me up and this is something I will carry on way beyond this diet. Portion sizes will be so important in keeping the weight off. Also my evening snacking has been actioned completely out of habit and not hunger. Again, this will be another take-away (not that kind of take-away lol) that I hope to continue as part of a new lifestyle.

The biggest difference is my health. I suffer from crippling psoriatic arthritis (mainly in my feet). At one point I couldn't get about without the aid of a walking stick and even took to working from home for a period of time due to the mobility issues.

This is completely gone. To the point that I no longer take the ridiculously strong drugs anymore and have even been discharged from my arthritic consultant as I am simply pain free.

This has enabled me to raise the bar with my exercise and I have even started running which is something that was virtually impossible over the last 5/6 years. I am only averaging 3 miles at a time but I feel so energised and keen to get out and run more.

I am also able to do more at the gym and just want to be active as much as I can.

The weight has not been coming off at the rate I would have hoped but it is still coming off so I am happy. This just proves to me that my metabolism is very slow which would explain why no other half hearted diets or exercise regimes have worked.

This is how my weight has moved:

Started - 13st 11.5lbs

Week 1 - 13st 8.25lbs (3.25 lbs off)

Week 2 - 13st 5.75lbs (2.5lbs off)

Week 3 - 13st 6lbs (0.25lbs on - red wine & cake)

Week 4 - 13st 3.5lbs (2.5lbs off)

Total loss in 4 weeks - 8lbs (over half a stone)

I have only started running in week 4 so I would hope in the coming weeks/ months the running will move things up a notch too.

This week I have had a number of comments telling me it's really starting to show. I can't really see this myself but it's a nice boost and if other people see it then the hard work must be paying off. 

Next week I am getting my measurements done so I will be intrigued to see what I have lost in inches. Onwards and upwards 

Cambridge or bust

Any of my regular readers will know the weight struggles I have endured over the last 9 years. I have tried a variety of ways to shift the pounds but nothing has worked. Here is a summary of some of the things I have tried and failed at:

So reaching a desperation point I came across the Cambridge weight plan. I bumped into a friend I hadn't seen for a while who had lost a fair amount of weight. She told me about this weight plan she was trying. She had lost a stone in about a month.

"Perfect" I thought, this could actually be the one that works for me as it is essentially cutting down your calories via shakes and other products and burning off your fat reserves.

I immediately searched for a consultant online and made an appointment.
I met my consultant, Deborah, last week. She explained the plan and we discussed my goals. We then chose my products for the week, I paid and away I went.

Due to some medication I take I can only start from step 2 which means I have a product (shake) for breakfast, another product (I chose another shake) for lunch, a protein type bar for a snack and then a small meal in the evenings. When I say small I really mean small, I can have about 170g of protein (slightly smaller than a chicken breast) and 80g of vegetables or salad (which is smaller than my hand). I must drink a lot of water and I can still have tea and coffee but need to have skimmed milk and sweetener instead of sugar.

Day 1:
The first day was hell and I was hungry all the time, It made me realise how much I was picking at things when I got home from work and how quickly the calories must add up. Went to bed early to get over the feeling of hunger.




Day 2:
Even harder but was enjoying the shakes. I spread them throughout the day a bit better and even held off having my breakfast shake until 10am which helped.

Day 3:
Getting easier but the cravings for bread or crisps are very powerful. I found having a cup of tea helped stave off the hunger.

Day 4:
Feeling really pleased with myself for doing so well with no cheating. This feeling is keeping me motivated. Also getting irritated at the amount I need to pee due to the water intake.



Day 5:
The weekend!! this was hard. Being at home surrounded by food is tough. So I kept busy and even cleared the cupboards out of all the junk food. I boxed up all the sweet treats and put them out of sight which has helped keep away the temptation.

Day 6:
Took the kids out and stopped at Costa, the kids were hungry and wanted a sandwich. I cannot believe I was strong enough to only get a black coffee and watch the kids eat in front of me with no temptation, not even when my daughter couldn't finish hers. I simply put it straight in the bin whereas usually I would have just eaten the leftovers.

Day 7:
That is today. Still going strong even with cookies sat next to me at work. I am looking but not touching. I am getting weighed tonight so will be the moment of truth. I am really nervous about this. If I have worked this hard and only lost a pound or two that will be hard to swallow !?! and will be difficult to keep motivated.

A couple of extra things to mention is how bloody great I feel. I suffer from psoriatic arthritis and usually have swollen feet, I cannot walk too far without them hurting. However right now my feet are not even remotely swollen and my feet are pain free which is unheard of especially after a busy weekend.
I am sleeping better and my head feels clearer and sharper. I have not taken an anti-depression tablet for over a week now and still feel great.
Finally, I think the reason this works for me is due to the support from my consultant. She has been incredibly supportive and I know she is there if I start to struggle.

Anyway, enough babbling. Fingers crossed for the weight in tonight. Will updated tomorrow.

***UPDATE****
So I lost 3.25 lbs. This is slower than both myself and the consultant were expecting but its still a bigger loss in a week than I have achieved doing anything else. Deborah has advised that I may be a slow starter and may see bigger losses over time.

I am still happy with this loss though because if I did the same for the next 4 weeks that is almost 1st in a month and the health improvements are amazing and very unexpected.

A clumsy farewell

In my current workplace situation there are a number of people leaving before my final departure which fills me with dread.
Yes, I will miss most of them and yes, I have enjoyed their company and yes, I wish them well in their next move. The dread actually surrounds the ALWAYS clumsy and awkward farewell.

The easiest goodbye's come after a number of drinks at the leaving party in the local pub. There are hugs and platitudes galore - promises to stay in touch and meet up regularly which, most of the time, just translates to adding each other on facebook.

The goodbye's that I dread are the ones in the office. Maybe they are leaving mid-week, maybe they are not having leaving drinks or maybe I can't attend the leaving drinks, whatever the reason this is by far the worst of all.

I will spend all day reminding myself to ensure I make the gesture before I leave the office. I have, on a few occasions, got so wrapped up in myself that I forgot and just left the office normally only realising the following work day that I neglected to wish them well - these are the people that don't add me on facebook!
I also try to come up with a witty goodbye gesture ahead of time so that I am prepared. The worst part is that your awkwardness is witnessed by all your colleagues which just magnifies how uncomfortable you are as you hug this departing colleague even though you have probably never even touched before this day.

Since the relocation announcement of my company there are 7 of us now leaving. Unfortunately I will be the very last out of the door so have to endure 6 awkward goodbye's!

We are two down now and the first wasn't too bad, we had drinks the previous Friday but it was a following mid-week leaving. So at my leaving time I scuttled over, clammy hands and all, wished him well and had the obligatory hug. This one wasn't too bad as the colleague in question really has been one of my favourites and I was genuinely sad to see him go so no faking needed to come into play - facebook added.

The next was one of my favourite routes of goodbye's - the disappearing act. This colleague hasn't been here very long but sits across from me so have got to know him pretty well in a short space of time. I was thinking of what I may say when I popped out to get my lunch and when I returned there was an empty chair. He scarpered, went home sick. He didn't even leave an email to say goodbye, just ran off in the night (lunchtime actually but that doesn't have the same ring). So I am sad in some respects as he didn't say goodbye to me, the face he has had to stare at for the last eight months, but grateful in another as he has saved me from an awkward rambling of goodbye's and "we must meet up" (which is my go to in situations like this).

So four more to go before the worst of all which will be mine when I will have to endure the awkwardness 15 - 20 times over as I say goodbye to all those that will make the effort. I like the disappearing act option. The dread is rising just thinking about it.

Time for a career change

I have worked at my company for almost 15 years... yes that's right 15 years.
When I began at the very young age of 18 it was just a job, something to provide me with money and perhaps an extended set of friends but nothing more.

The company itself specialises in reputation (or media) analysis which usually leaves people staring blankly at me uttering the now famous words "oh, ok that sounds...interesting". In a nutshell (and in no way doing this industry justice) we track and measure the effectiveness of communication activity and what impact it really makes to the company - so is your PR/ Marketing actually doing what it should be. In a recent job interview the MD of a marketing agency said "wow, it's amazing what these companies will pay for" which I smiled politely to as I wanted the job but in all honesty I was a little hurt.

Over time I began to see this more as a career and became quite ambitious to great effect. Several promotions later I became the youngest Account Manager in the history of the company and went on to win a platinum industry award (first platinum the company had ever won).

I have learnt so much about the media, communications and business strategies. For example I could tell you which countries have the most censored press or which messages McDonald's are trying to get you (the public) to believe in.
The biggest part of my job that I have loved is the exposure to some really quite impressive clients and people, it's not everyday you are told that your report was shown to the Home Secretary for example. Our CEO was also an incredibly remarkable woman who had such gravitas in the communications world and I had the absolute fortune to learn from her first hand. She was one of those women that you instantly respected and wanted to please. She climbed the ladder in a period where this was really a mans world and showed everyone that women could do just as well if not better.

Anyway I digress, this all underpins the reason my latest decision has been an incredibly difficult one. We were told in November that our Godalming office will be closing down and that we will be relocating to the head office in Moorgate, London. This wouldn't happen until February this year so we had some time to think about our options. Voluntary redundancy was dangled in front of me and two weeks ago, after spending Christmas flipping from one decision to another, I decided it was time to leave.

My leaving has been met with a really flattering response - some in denial that it's happening, others hysterically trying to compute who will take on my extensive workloads, some are really happy for me and one or two haven't even acknowledged the fact. I agreed to stay until the end of February so there has been plenty of time to think and regret but something has changed in me. I am suddenly thriving on the idea of a new challenge, learning new skills, really getting my teeth into a new role and carving out a new version of me - a more mature me.

I am really keen to move into the Digital Marketing world and am taking steps to make this happen. Getting back up to speed with social media being a first start ie blogging again :)
I am also looking at enrolling to complete a Marketing diploma which is so exciting.

I have a rush of so many emotions on a daily basis, nervous and sad to be leaving behind a huge part of my life but this is by far outweighed by the excitement I feel for the endless possibilities ahead of me. I know I can achieve anything I put my mind to and that I am the only person stopping me so onward and upward... either that or I will be penniless by the end of the year and begging to come back to my current role ;)

Wish me luck!

The Painted Woman

Love them or loathe them most people have an opinion on tattoos.

I have always loved them and actually think I have an addiction.

I had my first tattoo when I was 18, it is a hummingbird on my right shoulder blade. I didn't tell anyone I was having it and didn't even go prepared. I just knew I really wanted one and that inspiration would hit me in the shop. I wasn't even nervous, just very excited.
So in I went with my passport at hand (for ID) and little did I know I had been lucky enough to get an appointment with someone who was renowned for his talent in this field. It was in Trollspeil in Guildford.

It came out really well and in my opinion didn't hurt at all. At the pub that night no one believed it was real and someone even tried to scratch it off - now that did hurt.

I wanted another straight away but decided to wait otherwise where would it stop...

So after I got married I treated myself to the next tattoo which was of a beautifully detailed rose at the base of my spine. Again, it didn't hurt and came out really well. This was done in Tattooland in Woking and was actually very expensive in comparison to other places but there was no waiting list so that was enough for me.

The next one I had was on my wrist of a big blazing sun (in black ink) and my daughters date of birth. Her name is Summer so it seemed fitting. This one was not the best experience and I later found out why. It was at a place in Reading and was a complete impulse buy. About two weeks after having my baby my husband and I were visiting his work colleagues in Reading to have a coo over the baby. On our way we passed the tattoo parlor and I decided at that moment to get it done. What I wasn't aware of is that you shouldn't have a tattoo so soon after having a baby as your hormones etc can affect the ink.
It scabbed over quite badly and when the scab cleared up the tattoo was patchy and the ink clearly hadn't taken on patches of my skin. It just looks quite blurry. I do intent to have this corrected at some point but not yet got around to it.

The next was after I had my son a couple of years ago. I waited about a year after the birth and had his name 'Dexter' written very delicately on my other wrist. This one was done by a lovely young guy at Sins n Needles in Aldershot (http://sinsnneedles.co.uk/). It was quick, painless and very well priced. which is why I went back a year later to get the biggy done.
I have always wanted a big tattoo or half a sleeve done but was not quite brave enough until I came across a gorgeous lace piece that flowed across the back. I found it on a google image search and was compelled to book in as soon as I could. Emma Thorne was the girl for the job and what a job she did. It is like patches of lace stitched together draped from my left shoulder all the way across to my lower right side. The detail is incredible and it was three hours of freehand work.
I was nervous about the freehand aspect but I needn't have been. She truly is skilled in her art. I would recommend her to anyone. (https://www.facebook.com/emmathornetattoo)

On later reflection I decided that I would like some additions to the lace which I have not sorted out yet. I suffer from psoriasis and at the moment I have a few patches on my back which makes me too self conscious to go and have it worked on at the moment. Once it starts to calm down again i will go back in.

So that is my tattoo history so far...

I love my tattoos and, contrary to what my dad said when he saw my first one at age 18, I will never regret them as they are part of me and tell stories from parts of my life. It is like artwork on my skin that I am always proud to show off.

I plan to have more but it is finding the right pieces/ ideas that have meaning to me. I am still not ruling out a half sleeve too.

What are your opinions on tattoos? Turn on or turn off?