Stuck In The Middle With Kat

Someone recently said to me "you always seem to be caught in the middle of situations, not sure how you cope" and quite honestly it hadn't occurred to me until that moment, my friend was completely right.

It got me thinking about how that happens as the situations all differ and the relationships I have with those people all differ; some are close friends, some acquaintances, some are friends of friends, some are family, some are colleagues and on occasion it is people I barely know at all. On a night out I have been known to go out for a cigarette and end up staying there for an hour while I try to help some random stranger in need of advice.

Which leads me to my point, why is this the case?
Do I have a kind face, do I give good advice, is it my calm un-phased demeanor and ability to not judge people and remain unbiased, or is it simply that I put myself in that position by being nosy and assuming I can solve all the worlds problems?

Or is it for a completely different reason altogether. I like to help people and particularly like the buzz I get from making people happy so perhaps I seek out problems to fix. On further thinking it is not a completely selfless trait as there is a part of me that wants to be needed and I want to feel that people rely on me. Perhaps even a call for help that no one ever answers.

In previous blogs I have described my depression and how I have bouts of despair and unhappiness. I think it is this part of me that enables me to see despair in other people. I can recognise the false smiles and am never fooled by the "I'm fine" responses which leads me to push deeper. When I am at my lowest I am always left disappointed at the lack of support from other people. I am longing for someone to see through my fake smile and force me to accept a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen without having to actually ask for help.
Of all the people I have ever known there are only two people that recognise this in me and see that I am starting to fall and that is my dad and a work colleague. Funnily enough those two people also suffer from depression so perhaps it is a secret code that only we see.
That is not to say my husband, family and friends are not supportive as that really isn't the case. I have some amazing people around me but unfortunately they don't see it until I have fallen deep into a slump.

So I have come to the conclusion that I get myself in the middle of people and their problems for three reasons:
1 - I genuinely want to help people and make everyone around me happy.
2 - Hoping that one day I will do this for someone who will do the same for me - searching for a like-minded person that I could use as a crutch in the future.
3 - I quite often have this feeling inside me of loneliness and if left with my thoughts for too long I will over-think and over-analyse stuff so getting involved in other peoples problems is a great distraction.

I don't think this is unhealthy and hopefully I have helped people along the way so perhaps this is one of those win win situations.

Pushy Parent

My daughter is 6 years old and, in my completely biased view, is quite talented.
I know a lot of people think that about their kids but she genuinely does have a sparkle.

Since she could talk she has sang and since she could walk she has danced. I thought this was quite normal and took no notice but promised that when she started school I would enroll her in some classes of her choice which ended up being ballet.

During her first term at the dance school they were putting on an inaugural show which she was delighted to be a part of. There were plenty of rehearsals and extended dance classes in preparation and when show night came I was amazed at the scale of it. They performed Cinderella with a cast of varying levels and ages and it took my breath away.
Summer, my daughter, only had a small part but I was so proud of her for getting up on the stage so fearlessly while hundreds of eyes watched on. She looked so tiny but I could see the exhilaration on her face. After the show she was beside herself with excitement saying that she loved the stage and wanted to be on there every night.

It has been a year since that show and she still attends the dance classes and has really come a long way in her ballet technique. She will dance around the house and in the supermarket and up the street (basically anywhere she can find the space) and it makes my heart melt every time.

Along with the dancing is her singing which has really crept up on me. After watching the new Disney film 'Frozen' she bought the soundtrack and spent the recent half term holidays acting out the film alongside the soundtrack. I am still amazed at how quickly she learns the words to songs and the passion she will sing with and all at the age of 6!

People often comment on her lovely voice and suggest she should be on the stage but I am not sure if I should push her or wait until she is older and more mature to take it seriously.
I looked into stagecoach which does the singing, dancing and acting but it is a bit out of my price range. There are other possibilities to get her more involved in this area but as always it is an investment so I will only let her do it if she is serious.

She watches the voice and Britain's Got Talent and tells me that she would love to go on that one day. She has even asked if it would be ok to make up and sing her own songs!

I am very careful to not be a pushy parent and blindly persuade my daughter she has real talent but there is no denying that she has got something and with the right training could go far. This is not a phase or something that she will lose interest in. From the age of 2 she was begging to be on stage with the performers during our annual Haven holidays.

I think I will investigate some local drama groups and see how she gets on. The minute she stops having fun we will stop. Watch this space as I think a star has been born.

The skydive happened

The day came around rather quickly and suddenly I was preparing to drive to Headcorn airfield for my skydive.
The week leading up to it I was waiting for the anxiety to start, for the whirl in the pit of your stomach and the feeling of regret but it never came.
I was so much more anxious about meeting my sponsorship target. Thanks to all the wonderful people that supported me I even exceeded it.

So the day arrived and it was an early start. We headed off at 6.30am in order to get to Kent for 8am.
The drive was tense with a car full (my husband, mum and children came to support me) but the tension was coming from my husband who seemed to be far more concerned than I was.
As with almost every car journey we take we missed a crucial junction and had to drive an extra 20 miles with my husband cursing that we would be late.

So after a bit of a detour we arrived about the same time as my four fellow skydivers from work. We signed in and filled out the relevant forms and then got called to our briefing. The instructor ran through all the do's and don't's in a comical but stern way. The underlying theme was "this will be fun but DO AS I SAY and no one will get hurt". We practised some of the positions - jumping and landing - and still I had no butterflies.

We then went out onto the airfield to enjoy the sun until our names were called. It was a long wait and we could watch the other skydivers descending to the ground.



Our turn arrived and everyone kissed their love ones goodbye as mine just flippantly waved and told me to have fun (we are not big on public displays of affection). We went through and in came stern instructor guy calling my name, he was my partner for the tandem jump. He suited me up and I looked utterly ridiculous, we went out for final checks and all my co jumpers appeared looking equally ridiculous. We then made our walk over the airfield the the pick up point.

The airplane was small and tinny and we were crammed in like sardines. I volunteered to jump last so I could watch everyone else leave so we had to sit right at the back. You practically had to sit on your partners lap which was a bit awkward. We waited a rather long time to ascend to the relevant height, hovering at 3,000ft which seemed pretty high but was only a third of where we were going.

As we reached the 12,000 ft height my instructor started running through what I needed to do and started clipping us together. Then the door was flung open and three pro's who were also on board jumped and disappeared in an instant, then it was my friends turn. One by one the were hung out of the door and then gone until I realised I was the only one left. We shuffled over and I was hung out of the door attached only by harnesses to my instructor. I got into my shuttlecock position (bending backwards with my head back) and out we went.

The rush of air completely took my breath away and I struggled to maintain a regular breathing pattern. It didn't feel as though we were falling which I think is down to the fact that above the clouds I couldn't make out the ground and therefore couldn't gain perspective.

I immediately thought "oh my god, I am actually doing this" closely followed by the immense pain I felt by the leg harnesses. they were pulled tight across my upper thighs and the restriction just felt as though it was cutting through as all my weight was being held by this. The parachute was then pulled and the pain didn't ease up so the instructor very kindly let me stand on his feet and take some of the pressure off my legs. It was only at this point that I truly took everything in and starting to enjoy it. After a few bumps the instructor apologised and said the parachute hadn't opened as smoothly as he would have liked (don't tell me that in mid air!).

I looked around and saw my fellow jumpers flying through the sky, it was truly surreal and you could see for miles.I was given controls of the parachute and was told how to do a spin which was amazing.

As we came into land I was told to raise my legs into the seated position but due to a brutal bootcamp session the day before my legs were not complying to my will. Just as we hit the ground my legs dropped and one leg was forced under us both and dragged a little distance. My instructor screamed at me "this is how people break their ankles" to which I responded "I'm fine honestly" as I gingerly tried to stand up. It was all fine and I was very lucky.

The minibus drove us back to our families who were shouting well done etc with massive amounts of pride and all I could think was "I want to do that again" closely followed by a feeling on sickness. I don't know if it was the rush of adrenaline, the spinning, the altitude sickness or the onset of heatstroke but I felt very nauseous (the kind you feel after a day on roller coasters).

I am immensely proud of myself and my colleagues for doing it and raising over £1000 for our charity (Shooting Stars Chase) and am already thinking about the next jump.

Top 10 TV programmes

It has recently come to my attention that my tastes in most things are... quirky and on occasion eclectic. So I thought I would share this with the world in a series of top 10's.

This week I wanted to share my top 10 TV programmes.

10, Sons of Anarchy
Reason I started watching: Lots of tattooed bad boys on motorbikes.
Cast of any note: Don't know many but does have the mum from married with children.
Synopsis: Motorbike gangs in turf wars among other things. Lots of violence, drugs and hairy men getting into scrapes and fighting to be top dog.
Summary: Only watched one series so far but quite hooked already. It is gritty and rough but with good story lines developing.

9, Once upon a time
Reason I started watching: My five year old daughter is obsessed with fairy tales and this takes on a modern and unique spin of the old classics.
Cast of note: Robert Carlisle plays an awesome Rumpelstiltskin/ Mr Gold, Ginnifer Goodwin makes a modern day snow white and Emilie de Raven from Lost plays a believable Belle.
Synopsis: All the characters from fairy tales have been transported to the 'real world' and have no memory of their former selves due to a curse Snow whites wicked step mother has set. In this 'real world' they live in a town called storybrook where the wicked stepmother is mayor. Each episode centres on a different character and flashes back to their former lives giving you a different take on fairy tales you thought you knew - ie the dwarf, grumpy, was originally named dreamy and we get an insight into how his name changed.
Summary: The storyline is very cleverly written and covers many layers. It throws up constant surprises and keeps your interest. The cast were suitably chosen and make for a very typical American look and feel. I'm just finishing series 2 and cannot wait for series 3 to begin. The story is a little too complicated for my 5 year old but she still enjoys the wonder and magic of the whole thing.

8, Spartacus
Reason I started watching: Half naked men (no other reason needed)
Cast of note: Andy Whitfield played an awesome Spartacus in the first series but sadly lost his battle with Cancer shortly after and was replaced. Manu Bennet makes for some serious eye candy with an older Zena warrior princess putting in a great performance. For me though it is the Ashur (Nick E Tarabay) and Batiatus (John Hannah) characters that steel the show.
Synopsis: A very gory telling of the story of Spartacus and his journey into the world of slavery and how he became one of the most formidable gladiators in history. We also see his fight for freedom and the following crusade of freeing all slaves and becoming a hero.
There are many other themes and storylines running in between which mainly centre on the greed, deceit and lust of wealthy Romans.
Summary: Lots of full on nakedness, sex and baby oil. Lots of characters that are so awful you just can't help but love them. The story stays very close to what is found in the history books and the fight scenes are some of the most gruesomely awesome things I have ever seen. It ran for 3 seasons and a prequel and I am gutted it is now over.

7, Supernatural
Reason I started watching: Jensen Ackles... that is all
Cast of note: Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki, Jim Beaver and Misha Collins
Synopsis: The Winchester brothers have been raised by their father to be hunters of anything supernatural. The series follows the brothers crossing the country killing supernatural beings, some of which are pretty creep especially the episode with the killer clown.
The first series sees them searching for their missing father, then it moves to follow a particular yellow eyed demon. Unfortunately there are a couple of series where it seems to loose its way a bit and each episode seemed a bit pointless but soon got back on track with the introduction of angels led mainly by a very funny Misha Collins.
Summary: Two very attractive brothers fighting some scary monsters. Jared Padalecki met his now wife on set and there are a few snidey piss takes added into the script.

6, Hannibal
Reason I started watching: Looked very intriguing and cannibalism disturbs me more than anything else which makes it even more fascinating.
Cast of note: Hugh Dancy, Lawrence Fishburn and an outstanding performance from Mads Mikkelsen (the bond baddie from Casino Royale).
Synopsis: The series explores the early relationship between the renowned psychiatrist and his patient, a young FBI criminal profiler, who is haunted by his ability to empathise with serial killers.
Summary: This is a new TV show and I am only about four episodes in so far but it is very gripping already. Well worth a watch.

5, American Horror Story
Reason I started watching: Saw it being discussed on social media and was intrigued.
Cast of note: Zachery Quinto, Jessica Lang, Connie Britton, Joseph Fiennes to name but a few with a welcome bit part from Adam Levine until he has his arm ripped off and dies.
Synopsis: This is an anthology series that centers on different characters and locations each series. These have included a haunted house, an insane asylum and the new season is centred on a witch coven. It is creepy, eerie and made me want to sleep with the light on.
Summary: Every cast member is on top form with the stories full of intrigue and tension. If you like to be scared give it a watch, even the opening credits and music scare me to the point I have to fast forward that bit (not making it up)

4, Parks and Recreation
Reason I started watching: I heard Rob Lowe was in it so had to watch that fine looking man!
Cast of note: Rob Lowe (eventually), Aziz Ansari and my favourite is Nick Offerman as Ron Swanson.
Synopsis: This is a mocumentary that follows the absurd antics of an Indiana town's parks and recreation officials as they look after the local parks to make their city a better place.
Summary: Very funny and so worth it when Rob Lowe does eventually appear. All characters are great and this is my sort of humour.

3, Arrested Development
Reason I started watching: FX were playing the entire show at a time I was loving Jason Bateman so thought I would check it out.
Cast of note: Jason Bateman, Potia de Rossi, a very young Michael Cera, David Cross and a brilliant Will Arnet.
Synopsis: Level-headed son Michael Bluth takes over family affairs after his father is imprisoned. But the rest of his spoilt, dysfunctional family are making his job unbearable.
Summary: This is a very funny series that has multi layers of hilarity. There are running themed jokes that are kept up throughout. Buster and Gob are by far the best characters. There are so many famous faces that pop up and Ron Howard gets quite a beating throughout. Take the time and watch the whole thing. I have started watching it all over again.

2, Game of Thrones
Reason I started watching: I loved Lord of the rings and this looked to have a similar feel plus Sean Beam was in it so always willing to watch anything starring him.
Cast of note: Too many to name but I particularly like Peter Drinklage as Tyrian. Also look out for quite a few ex Hollyoaks actors popping up.
Synopsis: Lots of different houses fighting to sit on the iron throne and rule. Big battles and impressive landscapes this programme holds your interest even though there are so many characters and you quite often lose track. I tended to completely forget about some characters as they wouldn't appear for a few episodes and then there they are again and you think oh yeah!
Summary: Very complex story but if you can keep up it is well worth it. It hasn't won lots of awards for no reason!

1, Dexter
Reason I started watching: Was on maternity leave and a bit bored.
Cast of note: Michael C Hall proving again that he is an amazing actor. Also Jon Lithgow and Colin Hanks (Tom's son) make for extremely memorable performances.
Synopsis: The show centres on Dexter Morgan who is a blood splatter expert for Miami metro PD but also has a secret life as serial killer. His, adoptive dead father appears as his moral compass after raising him to contain his murderous urges and instead to use them for good by killing people that deserve it. Each series has stayed fresh and take on slightly different focuses. John Lithgow as a serial killer gave me chills and the entire program explores the rights and wrongs of what Dexter is doing. You end up siding with him and his strange logic but can he really have a happy ending?
Summary: I love this so much I named my son after the main character (very true). I am awaiting the final season and will be so sad when it is over. You must watch this!

Skydiving for Shooting Stars Chase

The charity, Chase, was first bought to my attention during my time working at Echo Research. It was voted our local charity of choice many years ago and we have supported them ever since. In 2011 Chase and another charity, Shooting Star, came together to become Chase Shooting Stars.

The work they do is fantastic and the idea behind the charity is so wonderful. They support families who have a child that is not expected to make it past their 19^th birthday. The idea being that families can do fun things together in the short time they have in the company of other people facing exactly the same outcome. They offer emotional support to parents and siblings at home, in the communities or in a hospice.

A quote from their website “Our services are available 365 days a year, and families receive our support free of charge, in their own homes and communities and at our two children’s hospices. We need to find £23,000 a day to provide all these vital services.”

They go on to say: “Whilst the NHS offers families medical and practical treatment, there is inadequate provision for respite care or general day-to-day support that families need so desperately.

This is why we exist, and why we rely on public support to keep providing a vital service for families going through the toughest of times.

We are committed to supporting these families and caring for the children.  We want to be there for every step of their journey”

I am very fortunate that I have not needed to use this type of support or had much in the way of struggle in my life. So I don’t have a heartbreaking story of my own to share about why I believe in this charity so much. Just knowing that it exists and that families, dealing with the dreadful prospect of their loved ones passing away during childhood, are supported is all I need to make me a supporter.

My company raises money as often as we can by having bake sales, paying for the privilege to dress down  once a month or, most recently, donating the Sweep stake Grand National winnings. Then two years ago my boss raised the idea of doing a skydive as we could raise much more money and realize a life's ambition at the same time. Unfortunately (for the charity and skydive) I fell pregnant and begged him to hold off until I could join in.

So, on June 30^th 2013 I and four work colleagues will be skydiving on behalf of this amazing charity and in all honesty I think it is the very least we can do. If you have read this and are moved like I am by the work they do then feel free to sponsor me. Every penny helps!

http://www.doitforcharity.com/KHenden

I would also like to say a big thank you to everyone that has sponsored me already, I will not let you down.

To read more about Shooting Star Chase please have a look at their website: http://www.shootingstarchase.org.uk/ Or follow on twitter (@SSCHospices)

Virtual Friends

I was pondering if virtual/ social media friends are exceeding the number of actual friends I have?

To clarify, I love my circle of friends very much and this is in no way a reflection on them!
As I get older I have noticed my circle of immediate friends getting smaller (the ones that you would call or text if you had a bad day or are just looking for someone to go shopping with). I take full responsibility for this as my children take away the ability to drop everything and go out at short notice. If I get an invite anyway there is a process I have to follow before I can commit - is it child appropriate, do I need a babysitter, who have I not asked to babysit for a while and would be happy to help me out, could I get an all night babysitter or do I have to be back at a reasonable time to let them go home etc.

Thanks to social media I haven't lost touch completely with older friends which I like as I still feel involved in their lives, albeit in a lazy voyeuristic way!

Over the years I have gained various groups of friends which usually surround mine and my husbands jobs and life circumstances. On facebook I have childhood friends, school friends, Phones4U friends, Citi Finance friends, Clarity friends, Echo friends (13 years worth), other parent friends, my husbands school friends etc and with all of these come the extended friends - people I have met through those people. I even have social media friends who I have never even met in person. There are many more groups that I haven't even mentioned but you get the idea.

On facebook I have 267 friends and on twitter I have 190 followers, every one of which I have time for... virtually that is. I worry, though, that we run the risk of losing the personal touch.

We will always have those special friends that we try hard to make time for even if circumstances and life gets in the way but ask yourself how many friends have you seen in person in the last month?
Not counting work colleagues (inside work hours) my answer is a shocking two! This is where my pondering comes from. I hadn't even realised that until writing this blog because I 'like' people's statuses and send them comments and texts so it doesn't feel that way.

I still have a Christmas gift sat at home for one of my oldest and dearest friends because I just haven't been able to meet up with her. Again this is my fault not hers as I can't seem to find the time which is laughable really and I don't think makes me a great friend.

This all proves that I have completely succumbed to the lazy virtual friendships which I value but should not rely completely on. There will come a day when I need a hug which is something a social media friend cannot provide.

So as part of my year of 'DOING THINGS RATHER THAN JUST TALKING ABOUT THEM' I will be more proactive at visiting or calling friends more.

A few of us always talk about arranging an afternoon in a big park somewhere with loads of friends to play rounders, football etc, bring a picnic and generally reliving the days when meeting up on a summers afternoon and having fun outside was the norm. So this summer I will be setting up an open group on facebook and inviting all my virtual (local) friends to come along and bring their friends and families too. It may well be that no-one turns up but if you get the invite think about the amount of friends you have seen in person that month and ask yourself, could I make the time for meeting people and having fun?

I have some brilliant friends, past and present - see montage below but couldn't find group pics of everyone so don't be offended if you are missed (and don't be offended if you hate the picture). Every person I have known has been worth the time and given me things to tweet about!