Dark cloud closes in

During my second pregnancy I wrote about my battle with, and subsequent diagnosis, of depression. During this time I stopped my medication and assured myself that I would reconsider the pills after I had my baby. When Dexter arrived I felt fine and strong enough to go it alone.

This tactic has worked up until recently.

Having a 5 year old who rebels against everything you say, an 11 month baby who just won't sleep, a husband desperately trying to give up smoking, a hectic, full time work schedule - throw into the mix money worries, family worries, going on an extreme diet, beginning a novel and seemingly untreatable psoriasis and you can start to understand why the downward spiral is happening again.

For me the key to all of this is to recognise when it is happening which isn't always easy until it has gone too far and the dark cloud has really set in.

Deflection is something I adopt when the pressure is on. Rather than admit that I am not in control of my mood swings I will go on the defensive and come up with a million reasons why I am loosing my temper with you. I am so convincing it scares me sometimes. Thankfully for me my husband can now recognise these signs and point the way.

This is one of those times.

The feelings are strange when it descends on me. In the series 'Dexter' he refers to his murderous feelings as his 'dark passenger', that works well here too although I don't have murderous thoughts (need to clarify that!). It is like there is someone always there by my side. On occasion it will be silent, taking it all in, storing everything in a filing system and other times will be screaming at me, antagonising a response, throwing those files everywhere in my brain, clouding my thoughts. This goes on for a few weeks, maybe months and then I either regain control or it explodes in tears. Often I have no reason for the tears other than it has gotten too much. The passenger then goes quiet for a time, could be weeks, months or even years but I know its still there and will reappear when things get tough.

Many people may read this and wonder why on earth I would share this. The simple answer is that I am not alone and that gives me great comfort and the courage to revisit my doctor if I need to. I no longer feel like a failure to give in to the medication and also know that I don't use the medication as a crutch. Most of the time I manage to regain control and don't need anything else other than good friends to listen and a husband to help take the burden.

People shouldn't suffer in silence and instead seek the help. It is such a relief and there are so many options on offer, aside from pills.

My life is so full and I should be looking at these problems as positives. I have a 5 year old daughter who is independent and spirited, an 11 month baby who I get to spend quality evening time with as I work full time, a husband who is trying to improve his health, a full-filling job that I am proud of added to that I have a home, food on the table and my children want for nothing, a loving extended family who feel they can count on me, loosing weight and improving my health, beginning a life's ambition of writing a novel and... well can't think of anything positive to say about the psoriasis (nothing a holiday in the sun won't help).

Today was a bad day but this blog became part of my therapy, helping me to understand that only I can fix me. Tomorrow is a new day and I aim to make it a happy one.

On that note I am off to the gym (another fantastic way of blowing off steam).

What a novel idea

Those that follow my social media pages will know that I have decided to write a novel.
This is a first step in my year of DOING things instead of just TALKING about them. Strangely I am finding this more terrifying than step two which is skydiving (coming to a blog near you in June).
Why a novel? I hear you ask, well this has been a little burning ambition of mine since school. English was my favourite class and Mr Clay, my English teacher, was my inspiration teacher (you know, that one teacher that you always remember fondly and really got into your head and affected you). I remember reading Shakespeare and Thomas Hardy - far from the madding crowd holds a special place in my heart - and just getting it. I disappeared into these books and just thought it was amazing how they could transport you into another world and how you end up having real feelings for these fictional characters.

When I left school I had ideals of becoming a journalist and use my love of writing, I even volunteered a youth column in our local newsletter, but life got in the way and things didn't work out how I wanted. It is blogging that has reignited my passion for writing. This paired with the need for a hobby brought about the idea for a novel.
It will be a thriller and is very loosely based on real events that have touched my life. I say loosely as the events will be placed into different context with different characters. These characters will have aspects of people I know too as I was always told 'you should write what you know'.
My husband keeps asking if I have started yet but I don't think a lot of people understand what goes into the preparations. I have outlined a storyline but soon realised it needs a lot of tweaking to make it work. I am researching the subject matter at the moment and will move onto the character development next. Although it is based on events that have happened to me I need to have a full and clear understanding of the opposing side and really get into the heads of the varying characters and work out what motivates and drives them. Without this they will be unbelievable and this is a big problem with some of the books I have read recently which seem to have skipped this process and the result is that you feel nothing for these faceless characters and therefore have no buy-in to the story.

Anyway, I have begun and even it if takes me three years I will complete it. In the meantime this picture just about sums up my thoughts:

Re-branded - the husband history

Don’t you just hate it when you start to follow a blog and then they just stop posting...? Me too!

I enjoy a good blog but it has been difficult to get back into as I hit a massive stumbling block. The focus of my site was pregnancy and the fact that I am no longer pregnant means I needed to find a new direction/ focus.

So I will be reporting on the shenanigans of my long suffering husband and 5, going on 15, year old daughter who cracks me up daily with her wise words and mood swings (think Kevin and Perry in a miniature body!). Not wanting to miss anyone out I may even throw in a few cute stories about my 10 month old son because everyone loves a good projectile vomiting story :)

So in today's first, re-branded, installment I thought I should give some background on the husband.

Phil and I met at school and much like Romeo and Juliette we were destined to be apart, divided by social differences and misguided loyalties (we went to opposing schools!). My school (Kings Manor) and Phil's (St Peter's) were arch enemies that met on occasion for, very cleverly coordinated, battles on the playing fields. My best friend at the time went to the enemy school and mentioned a boy I must see who has the most stunning electric blue eyes. It just so happened we were very good stalkers and worked out where his best mate lived and hung out so we would make sure we were there at the right time. My friend had not exaggerated and I had decided there and then that I wanted to marry this boy... or his cute mate (we will come back to him later).

me - bottom left, Phil - bottom right (not an actual school picture, my school wasn't that rough)

Time passed and we grew up. I never dated him or even said more than two words to him and eventually didn't see him hanging about anymore until about 4 years later, on a chance encounter on a night out. I caught his eye and to my utter surprise he marched straight towards me and struck up our first ever proper conversation. To my delight we got on really well and actually had a lot in common. He told me how much he had always fancied me but was too shy to ask me out. With the alcohol fueled confidence he asked me for a date but as fate would have it I had a boyfriend and had to turn him down. I was gutted! My boyfriend was travelling in Australia at the time and little did I know he was on his way home to dump me :( but always the loyal girlfriend I would not cheat no matter how much will power it took.

I bumped into Phil again a week later in Guildford High street on a Saturday night. I was on my way to Cinderella’s nightclub with my cousin when he stopped me. He explained it was his mate’s birthday but had lost him. He suspected his mates had got a cab back home to carry on the birthday celebrations and as I lived a stone’s throw from his friend's house did I want to share a cab. By this point my cousin had carried on without me and was not even in sight anymore so I said what the hell. Phil invited me to his mates for a few more drinks. He was right and his mates were there, very surprised to see me though. As I walked in I wished his mate a happy birthday, he thanked me and pointed out his birthday was 6 months ago! I glared at Phil who simply said "I had to get you here somehow". I later discovered his nickname was bullshit Phil as he would live by the code "why tell the truth if a lie was more interesting and could get you a laugh."

We were inseparable after that night and I knew this was it. At 18, I had not even considered settling down but that one night changed everything and I started to imagine a mortgage, pets, children etc.

A month later I went on a girl’s holiday to Ayia Napa (already booked it before we met). I was a good girl and made sure I contacted him over the two week break. On my return I was greeted with a huge green emerald ring and a very unconvincing engagement proposal. Clearly I turned him down but on the understanding that we would do it one day just not after a month of dating and at 18 years of age when my parents would actually kill me or just assume I was pregnant. It also gave me the opportunity to suggest that I pick the ring next time!!!!

Phil was visibly relieved and explained he had gone into panic mode and thought he needed to make a big gesture to keep me. He forced me to go with him to return the ring - an incredibly awkward moment for the shop assistant!

Phil is one of the sweetest and funniest men I have ever dated. We were engaged 3 years later and had a daughter 7 years on. We have been together for almost 13 years now and are still as happy as we were back then. We have had our ups and downs like all marriages but always had the strength to pull through it and I put it down to genetics. You see we work in a very role reversal way - I have control of the remote and can be emotionally stunted. Phil on the other hand is always considerate of me, cleans the house and does the school runs. I am not sure of many men who would put up with me as I am one of the lads and I like a pint, I am not a girly girl and never have been. I just go against all the stereotypes. Saying that, I don't know many women who can laugh off his bullshitting which he is better at nowadays and reading this back I realise it makes him sound awful but the truth is he lies about the silly inconsequential stuff which is why it is funny (if he had to walk a mile he would tell you he walked 20 miles - that sort of thing), he actually can't help it. He also has no brain to mouth filter so will tell you exactly what is on his mind, I love this about him as you always know where you stand, we call these thoughts philisms and they always keep me entertained.

So the moral of this story is that stalking pays off and if you set your mind to marrying someone when you are 14 it can happen. Oh and his cute mate is now married to my friend (although not the one who introduced us) and is a huge part of our lives too.

Welcome back to my blog.