Week 30 - getting inpatient

As I enter my 30th week I am really starting to feel it. The babies movements are becoming quite intense and if I look hard enough I can almost figure out which body part is pushing out (usually feet or elbows).
My ankles have still not started swelling up badly but they really do hurt at the end of the day. The heartburn is back too with avengance. There are so many ailments that I can't even be bothered to list them. The final physical problem is the ever increasing bump which seems to grow every day. I am really struggling now to find any clothes baggy enough and as for walking well... it is well and truly a waddle now.

Work is really difficult as on top of the tiredness and lack of concentration I am simply losing my focus and find myself drifting off in my own thoughts at my desk making baby plans, thinking about what I still need to buy, what I should be packing in my hospital bag and generally counting down the days till I leave.
This has all been made so much easier lately as my best friend now works with me so it is great to have her additional support and having three children of her own she completely gets it all.

My depression has been up and down over the last couple of weeks. One thing I am sure of, however, is that it is triggered mainly by my daughters misbehaviour. We started doing star charts and a reward system for good behaviour which seems to be doing the trick and it has made for a more pleasant home life.
The last week has been stressful with an ever increasing workload, deadlines, tiredness and a few bouts of paranoia so my mood has taken some dips. I can see when it is happening though and try to pull myself out - which I am able to do at the moment without medication so its all good.

We booked a holiday for next month, just going to Butlins for a long weekend but it is a getaway which will do us all good and give summer some quality time before the baby comes.

Last weekend we got the cot and changing unit out of the garage and it is all set up now in Summers room. She is so excited about having her brother in the room with her. I feel a bit of relief that we are pretty much ready now. I really only need to pack my hospital bag but I will wait another few weeks before I do this. I also got loads of boys clothes from a charity shop.
My mum also found a fantastic bargain of a pushchair which we have bought together so I am really pleased as this was the only thing I wanted brand new.

Anyway seeing the midwife again next week and then I have a final scan on the 24th Feb.

Third Trimester - 28 weeks

Wow - the response I had after last weeks post was very overwhelming and unexpected. I think above all it hit a familiar note with many people and some friends were very surprised about how I had kept my feelings hidden (comes from years of practise).

Anyhow this week things are looking much brighter. I started to feel a bit brighter once I had acknowledged that my depression was creeping back in. Quite often its that first, and difficult step, that is the biggest hurdle. I had a midwife appointment booked in last Friday and had every intention of speak to her about the depression and perhaps even going back onto the medication. My husband came with me for moral support (and I suspect to ensure I didn't chicken out). I found it easier than I had thought to come out with it and contrary to the way I suspected her to react she was incredibly supportive and didn't make me feel like I was just being a drama queen. She agreed that the symptoms sounded as though it was creeping back and was open to putting me back on medication. I, however had a change of heart and decided that I would not take the pills and see how things went for a little while. I went through all the issues I was having with my 4 year old and they agreed it was probably a bit more than temper tantrums and gave me a number for someone at the Health Visitors office.
We agreed that if this was the trigger for my depression this time then it was worth trying to sort it out before medicating.

I also had the results back from my tests and I am pleased to say that I do not have anaemia or diabetes although I am just below the line with the Diabetes and it will be closely monitored. I may have to have the glucose test again but for now I am in the clear.

Another nice thing happened at my appointment and that was that while booking in my next appointment the midwife said (very flippantly) "oh that will be my last day". she continued talking and I had to stop her and ask what she meant. Turns out she is retiring and the lady who I had wrongly assumed was just in the room observing will actually be my new midwife. I was so pleased as I have not really hit it off very well with my current midwife and felt that I haven't had her full attention (may explain why if she is winding down to retirement). Her replacement is lovely and I had an immediate connection and could feel real warmth from her (which is a trait you want from a midwife).

In the meantime I have contacted the health visitor and they are sending someone out to assess my daughter. So that is another thing that may be rectified soon.

My bump has grown quite large now but it is a cute bump, the kind I aspired to have the first time around. The baby kicks and moves all the time now and my daughter has even felt him. We had to explain to her how the baby got in my tummy so we told her that daddy put a seed in my tummy which has grown into a baby. She is very annoyed however that she didn't get to see daddy put the seed in there - she has no idea how lucky she is!!

Reaching 28 weeks is nice as I am now in the third trimester (the home straight). I have started watching the new series of one born every minute and having flashbacks to my first labour. This time though I am not in the least bit frightened or anxious. I'm actually excited... which even I find a bit odd. I think it is because I went through hell the first time with a 36 hour labour I feel like I know what to expect and can therefore enjoy the amazing wonderment that is bringing a new life into the world rather than just panicking about what might happen next... or maybe I am just really excited about meeting my little boy.

The next week or so I will be trying to get sorted with the room and clothes etc as I do think I am completely under prepared.

A very honest post from Week 27

Well Christmas and New Year were eventful and not in a good way. I had, what was quite possibly, the worst Christmas ever for reasons I will detail in this blog.

It began around the beginning of December. My 4 year old daughter seems to have become possessed. She started playing up and has gotten naughtier by the day. It started with her saying no to everything and refusing to do anything we tell her such as getting dressed, eating her dinner or simply not answering back to us. This progressed and she started being a smart arse with us saying things like "I don't have to do that if I don't want to" and "you can't tell me what to do". She has basically turned into a stroppy teenager overnight. We are yet to find a punishment that works on her, she just seems to be completely emotionless toward anything we implement. At the moment she has had most of her Christmas presents confiscated and has to earn them back through good behaviour but she doesn't seem at all bothered by this. I could go on and on about the ways she is naughty and the awful things she has said and done over Christmas but I simply couldn't fit it into this one blog. To sum it up on Christmas morning while opening her gifts she whispered to me with a smug smile "Santa obviously didn't know I have been a naughty girl, I got away with it".

Anyway as a result of this bad behaviour and my lack of control over her I started to get very stressed and became very worried about my blood pressure as I was having dizzy spells, one day I lost complete balance for the best part of a day and could only walk to the left... Also my tiredness had reached a point that I did not experience with my first pregnancy. Then when I started being violently sick I knew I had to sort it out. So I went to the midwife who booked me in for a glucose tolerance test. I pointed out that I thought maybe it was more to do with anaemia as I had looked it up and seemed to have all the symptoms, also with my lack of appetite it was to be expected. So she booked me in to have that tested too.

However, since that visit my well being deteriorated even more and from boxing day to new years day I couldn't go through 24 hours with having a meltdown. I cried so hard and the only thing to stop me was if someone popped over to see me as I didn't want anyone to see me like that as it would lead to questions I could not answer. Such as why was I crying? at first I didn't know but the more I was left with my thoughts the darker I spiralled and had some awful thoughts. The main theme being that I was a terrible mother for bringing my daughter up to be acting in such an awful way. She spoke to me like dirt and I started to think that maybe I deserved it. Over the festive period many people had ideas and opinions on how I should be handling her which just worked to firm up this idea in my head that everyone thinks I am an awful mum. These thoughts then led on to my unborn baby and the fact that I shouldn't be having him. If I couldn't handle my daughter it was simply not fair to bring another baby into the world for me to mess up.
Among these awful thoughts was an overwhelming feeling of utter hopelessness and despair. I just wanted to withdraw from everything around me and shut myself in my bedroom alone for a really long time. These are feelings I have felt before and deep down I knew what was really going on.

Meanwhile, it didn't take long for my husband to figure that something was not right. New years eve was the climax of my breakdown as I saw the new year in alone in floods of tears. I had insisted that my husband go out with his mates as I didn't feel much like celebrating. He really didn't want to leave me but I practically forced him out. I was supposed to have a girls night with my daughter, eating chocolate and playing games but by this point summer had not only pushed every boundary with me but she had even taken to refusing to talk to me as she hated me. So she was put to bed for bad behaviour and I saw in the new year alone feeling really sorry for myself.

New years day my husband confronted me properly and said he had been online and strongly suspected I had prenatal depression. Deep down I had already worked this out but didn't want to face it. I was diagnosed with very mild depression last year and stopped my medication when I fell pregnant. I thought I had been coping well but it is time for a reality check - I am not well.

I have my next midwife appointment next week and plan to be honest with her about my emotional state as I suspect this is more likely to be the cause of dizziness and tiredness. So I have not been diagnosed with prenatal depression yet but it wouldn't come as a surprise if that is the outcome next week.
Since facing up to this I have been a bit better. I still feel quite lost and very down on myself but going back to work has been a welcome distraction.

I couldn't decide if I was going to write this blog as it is extremely personal and I never like to bring this sort of attention to myself and certainly do not want anyone to treat me any different. But the purpose of these posts are to give an honest account of my pregnancy and hopefully help other people going through similar things. Prenatal depression is more difficult to recognise than post natal as people ignore their feelings and put it down to pregnancy hormones and scientists think it is more common than the 1 in 10 official stats.
If just one person reads this and can relate to the thoughts and feelings and therefore gets help and a diagnosis then it is worth it. Pregnancy should be an amazing experience that you should embrace and not feel like a chore and something you want to get out of the way. Even writing this blog has made me feel a bit better.

One last point is that you are only as strong as the support you have and my husband has been incredible throughout. A year ago one sight of me crying and he would get mum over to sort me out or just "get out of my way" and go out somewhere for the day. But he has just said all the right things and done exactly what I need him to do which most of the time is just give me a hug.

I had my blood tests done today for anaemia and diabetes but I suspect they will come back negative.
Will update you next week.

Happy new year
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